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v RSSB, 14TH MAY 2014
SUPERSTARS INTO REHAB
On 15th May 2014 Test Match Special was supposed to be reporting from the inaugural test match of Eritrea against Tajikistan unfortunately the match was cancelled after Russia invaded the Asmara Oval claiming that as Eritrea was fielding an ex-Ukrainian the Asmara Oval was in fact Russian territory and they were only protecting the rights of the Russian people. As a result Test Match Special was cancelled and a cricket phone in special with Doctor Frasier Crane was arranged to take its place. I was lucky enough to be listening to the radio when the following took place..........
Frasier: Roz who is our next caller?
Roz: The next caller is from Dartford.
Frasier: Go ahead caller - I'm listening......
Caller: Well not too good really my mother died ten weeks ago and my father is ill in hospital and has been there for five weeks now.
Frasier: I am sorry to hear of your loss and thatís enough to make anyone depressed. It is no surprise that you feel that way.
Caller: Oh that is not what is making depressed Dr Crane. We lost a cricket match that we should never have lost last night and I feel responsible. That is what is making me feel depressed.
Frasier: Cricket eh. The sport of Kings. Not really my speciality but go ahead and tell me what happened and I shall see if I can help.
Caller: Well it was a 20/20 game and we fielded first but only had 8 players until one of our best bowlers turned up near the end of the oppositionís innings. There were so many gaps in the field that the opposition scored more than they should have but still we kept them to 107 and I bowled well and took two wickets.
Frasier: Well I donít know if that is good or bad. Roz do you have an idea?
Roz: 107 in a 20/20 game is not a big total Frasier so the side batting second would feel pretty confident. And two wickets kudos to you JÖ.no Barry.
Frasier: Thank you Roz. JÖ.no Barry please continue.
Caller: Well our opening batsmen started slowly and after ten overs we had only scored 34 but we had good batsmen to come. After some big hits from our captain and Vijay, both batsmen retiring having scored 25 each, we looked to be in a good position. At this point another of our players (Chris Mountain) turned up at the ground and went in to bat. I followed him in very shortly afterwards. We had 3.1 overs to go and only needed 9 runs to win when Chris was stumped chasing a wide which the umpire didnít give despite the umpire saying to me that he should have given it as a wide. That left me and another bowler (Mike Duggan) facing the final 18 balls needing only 9. I was facing the next over, the first ball was a no ball so we got two runs then I only managed to hit one ball out of the remaining five balls. The first ball of the next over Mike D hit straight back to the bowler and was out that bought Mike K in. He managed a single off the fifth ball of the over and I was out LBW to the next ball. Mike K was bowled so Vijay came in with five balls to go but only managed to hit a two off of those five balls and we ended up losing the match.
Frasier: Well that does sound depressing. Roz what do you make of that?
Caller: Thatís right Roz.
Roz: As a bowler taking two wickets sounds like you did your bit to help the team. You shouldnít feel responsible for the loss. It was a combination of many factors
Caller: Thanks Roz
Roz: Bowlers are quite tall arenít they?
Caller: Iím six foot one Roz
Roz: Big shoulders?
Caller: Yes reasonably big Roz
Roz: Mmm well I have found that there are four ways for a sportsman to get over depression. One win your next game. Two blame it on the opening batsmen being too slow, the players not turning up on time, the pitch being soft or a combination of all three; or three have a nice drink after the match.
Frasier: Ah yes definitely a nice glass of the 2005 Ch‚teau Mont-Redon always helps to cheer me up, ha ha.
Caller: But I was driving so I couldnít drink Roz.
Roz: Thatís a shame. Where do you normally drink?
Caller: The lads of the village in Stone.
Roz: Small pub near the Dartford Bridge. Yes I know that one. Full of manly types.
Caller: Thatís the one. You said there were four ways to get over my depression. Whatís the fourth way?
Roz: Come round to my place and I'll show you.
At this point I drove into a tunnel and missed the rest of that call.
The next call was from BarÖ.no Will moaning that his batting scores had been hampered for years by using an old mouldy piece of wood instead of a new bat. This was followed by a severely depressed individual whose train had been cancelled and he had missed most of the first innings of a match, then two umpires who didnít give wides when they should have, and lastly by a left handed bat who got stumped chasing a wide when only 9 runs were needed. ďThey never told me we only needed nineĒ, he sobbed down the line to Frasier.
The show was thoroughly entertaining.
Superstars Line Up:
Gigg (capt), Marchant, Varghese, Kamellard, Mountain, Duggan, Anand, Meyler (S), Spencer.
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