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This report was originally written by Phil Patten, so could any lawsuits be directed to him please.
1. Gareth Bartholomew
During the season you may have noticed a small, nervy young man intently watching our games and you may have wondered who it could be. I can now reveal that that person was none other than Jonty Rhodes and he was there expressly to watch Bartho fielding. "I thought I new (sic) everything about fielding but he is something else" he said, ruefully shaking his head. He added "He somehow made Tom Wilson run halfway round the boundary to collect a ball that was his and he didn't even apologise. And I swear that on one occasion he spent the whole innings fielding in exactly the same spot without moving an inch". I asked Jonty what he though about Bartho's batting and only just managed to avoid the spray of vomit.
Player 2. Neil Benn
Sackanfrassinrassindirtyrottenswine. How dare he win the bowling award that was rightfully mine SOB SOB. His major danger ball was a pathetic full toss which should have been whacked to the boundary but always seemed to end up in either Mike or Barry's hands. Lucky so-and-so. I suppose I will reluctantly admit that among the dross he bowl the odd good ball (much banging of head and gnashing of teeth). I have a suggestion for next year. All sandwiches/cakes should contain lashings of butter, cheese and other dairy products. Perhaps the team members should collect all the cheesy bits from between their toes and make up an extra yummy sandwich for Neil.
Superstars Logo 3. Ken Block
If our leader was expecting a bit of crawling he's flipping wrong. By the time the next season starts I'll either be in poxy Birmingham or blowing the last of my redundancy money at Ascot or in Thailand so YAH BOO SUCKS! It did not escape notice that he always fielded on the the better surfaces ie the table - no way does Ken field amongst the dog poo on the long leg boundary. Generally Ken was an inspiration to the whole team, with his shrewd field placings and subtle bowling changes?!!!!! He managed the team brilliantly and bowled and batted like the talented all rounder that he is. BBLLUUUUURRGHHH
Superstars Logo 4. Steve (The Micturator) Carter
If 1993 was the year of the Carter, this year flippin' well wasn't. More like year of the clown. His only contribution of note was to score 31 runs in the last match match when he was dropped about as many times as he ruinated over the floor, wardrobe, door etc in Scotland. Wicket keeper rating 3rd.
5. Terry Carter (thankfully no relation)
Only played at Chiswick (the bar helped) but did the team proud. Kept wicket, fielded well and shared in what was, without doubt, the most enjoyable stand of the season with another OAP, Andy, against Big Spenders lot. Hopefully next year he'll get off his backside and travel to Greenwich and other grounds. (There's a nice cheap bar at the old bill ground). Wicket keeper rating 2nd.
6. Tony Evans
A Stats helped out and an extremely consistent bowler; he always bowls rubbish and manages to take wickets, so much so that he is top of the all time averages. If he had played one more game this season he probably would have been bowler of the year instead of sackanfrassin etc. It's a cruel world.
Player 7. Barry Gigg
Ho hum, batsman of the year yet again; Barry only managed an average of 100 and became the first player in the club to score 1000 runs - Steve Meyler its slash your wrists time. In a normal club Barry would walk away with the player of the year as well, but we really are NORMAL. For flip's sake Barry try to do better next year. For example your running between the wickets leaves a lot to be desired. Wicket keeper rating 1st.
Player 8. Paul Hogg
Useful new recruit who bowled some of the best ball of the season; unfortunately he also bowled some of the worst. He should learn from the "Master bowler" and slow down a little. Also it would help to play some games at Chiswick where one can enjoy alcohol beforehand.
Player 9. Andy Jacobs
Andy showed that just as good wine/beer matures with so do mediocre cricketers. If he does not get the player of the year award then i'm a dutchman. He bowled consistently well and if he had half the luck that the "bowler of the year" had Andy would have enjoyed a pleasurable set of matches. His innings against the filth was a joy to watch, as was his stand with Terry (see above). I mean, wow, he even bought a jug at the booze up at Greenwich.
Player 10. Steve Meyler
Missed the early part of the season through a "thumb" injury. But he set the team alight on his return. Who can forget his dashing innings against, erm, you know; or that macnificent knock at wherever; and how about that (yawn) match when he pulverised the BOCs bowling and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Player 11. Phil Patten
Picture the scene. Twelve balls left of the last bowling innings of the season and our Phil stands proudly at the top of the averages. He puffs out his manly chest and stolls arrogantly to the only fielding position befitting of his talent - deep fine leg - and smiles smugly. Three balls later and its virtually all over. Phil ends yet another season as the nearly man of the Superstars team. Despite taking five wickets for six against Darren Cooper's "which end do i hold this wooden thing" XI (when the top bowler wasn't playing) he was nearly top of the bowling averages, he did however end the season as the top wicket taker. Despite being the thinnest member of the squad he was again nearly as fast as Tom and nearly as good at catching as Bartho. Ah well, what can you expect at his age? Competence? He's got a lot to look forward to, mind. There's............ err............ well..............early retirement? All joking aside, he's an inspirational player who appeared in every match, he much admired by the team, and i love him lot and lots (allegedly).
Player 12. Mike Taylor
Another new recruit and he can bat, bowl and field which is a novelty. Would have claimed a first by dropping a catch while having a fag but Bartho cornered that market yonks ago. Batted steadily in some tight situations and held a record number of catches during the season, beating the total catches taken by El Capitano. Why have I got a feeling that Mike might find himself fielding at long leg next year?
13. James Vickers
Quiet unassuming character whose batting has improved out of all recognition the past couple of years. (Let's face it, it couldn't have got much worse). And he has managed to hold onto a number of catches in the field which was a bonus. Just one word of advice James; please try to appeal a little louder - I'm sure those rich toffs in Concorde would like to hear you. Wicket keeper rating 4th.
Player 14. Tony Whitrod
Everyone's favourite player. Always gives 100%, helps out his teammates and never, ever, whinges. YAH. The funniest moment of the season was his pathetic dropped catch at Regents Park when he injured his thumb. What a crease up. Stick to the softball Tone! Wicket keeper rating when in Mona Lisa mode, 2nd when sick with 'flu (really was ill). Umpire rating - useless.
Player 15. Thomas (the Tank Engine) Wilson
As always Tom tried his hardest. After all Tom is very trying. Sometimes bowled a wee bit untidily but claimed a lot of important wickets thus enabling the lesser bowlers (they know who they are) to clean up the dross at the end. Noticed an improvement in his fielding especially when he fielded for the opponents of which he did more than his fair share. There are some right lazy so-and-so's in the Superstars team.
16. Others
Spencer Broadly - Loaned to us by Stats; played one match and bowled well if erratically, conceding 11 runs.
Tina Connor - Loaned to us by OSD; played twice scoring an invaluable 3 runs against Stats (we won by 2 runs).
Dave Crozier - Loaned to us by BOCs; played twice scoring 9 runs and taking 0 for 13 runs - thanks BOCs!
Pete Frost - deposed Il Duce who returned for a guest appearence. Did not bat or bowl but took two slips catches, one a blinder.
Nick Herbert - Loaned to us by Stats; played once, opened the innings and scored 23* in a ten wicket wins over BOCs.
Mike Kamerllard - Former stalwart who for some reason only played one match; scored a glorious 1* and conceded 26 runs out of the opponents total of 80! Now we know why he only played once.
Dave Underwood - Class player who played twice scoring 22 and 10 (both not out) and taking two wickets in each match.
Stefan (Venskunas) - Shady character who plays for James' weekend side; played one match scoring 16 against the Old Bill which pleased him no end. He would have had an orgasm if he had also taken a wicket.
Did Not Play - Paul Frost (Turned up but ended up playing for the fuzz), Paul Goff (Just couldn't be bothered) and Gary Tavender (Comprehensively yorked).
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