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This report was originally written by Phil Patten, so could any lawsuits be directed to him please.
1. Gareth Bartholomew
Thank flip this was Batho's last season as a Superstars player. Boasted incessantly about his "genius" catch that was so easy Steve could have taken it with one hand (I'm talking about his son not those wallies Carter or Meyler). Off to join BOCs because he couldn't get a bowl. WHAT A CRYBABY! Still he will be missed for his sprightly fielding, Lara type batting and ready wit. YAAH! Go away you wally! At least BOCs will have someone worse than IG next year.
Player 2. Neil Benn
Why is it that one bowls one's balls off year after year only for some jammy so and so to undeservedly pinch the bowling award. How the flip did Neil win the averages again? He bowled like Donald (Duck that is) which is fitting as he's tight as a duck's backside. Still he did bowl the best ball of the season to dismiss Tony (a brilliant slip catch from Andy with a small bit of help from Steve). Neil often opened the batting and , no doubt inspired by the presence of L'Escargot at the other end, scored his runs quicker this seaso but then proceeded to get out to unBoycottlike, sorry unBennlike shots. Either that or he and James would contrive some way of running one another out.
Superstars Logo 3. Ken Block
Our Fuhrer against captainced the side superbly and regained his place at the top of the catches table thanks to an incredible number of very easy catches. Bowled well but did not have the best of seasons with the bat. Must spend more time in the nets.
Superstars Logo 4. Steve (Toeblerone) Carter
If 1994 was the year of the wally I am at a complete loss to describe Steve's performances this year. Words like pathetic, plonker, pitifl and complete turd spring spring to mind. For example went out for, and I quote, "a long innings". One absolute crud ball later his stumps were all over the place. Doubtless his "broken" toe was still troubling him. I wonder if BOCs are looking for a new opener to help Bartho to take the shine off the new ball. In a moment of madness our dumb captain let Steve open the bowling. Result one over for 15 runs. At least Bartho got a wicket.
5. Terry Carter (thankfully no relation)
Oldest man in the team yet he still managed to win the batting. Says a lot for our so called batsmen. Again played all his matches on those nice pitches at Chiswick. But then again did take the first stumping of the season, albeit off a peach of a ball, so WELL DONE TERRY.
Player 6. Matt Conway
A new recruit who must have wondered what he has let himself in for what with all the pig/seal imitations whenever Gary, Steve or Tony mucked up which was frequently. Very hard hitting batsman and is challenging Barry and Mike for top fielder (note no mention of Ken). Needs to improve his bowling. Borrow Andy's book "How to bowl rubbish and take wickets".
Player 7. Barry Gigg
Not such a good year for our master batsman despite a brilliant 84 not out to start with. He did manage a few other good knocks but kept on getting out to absolute rubbish balls so there's hope for Neil, Tony, Ken, Andy etc etc. Winner of the "goal of the season" competition when he kicked a ball about 200 yards to give away a four.
Player 8. Paul Hogg
Despite being the "ide boy" of the team he generally bowled well and took a number of important wickets. His batting improved so much that at one stage he was threatening to win the averages. That would have been in the eye for Barry, Steve and Tony. Oh sorry I forgot they didn't win anyway. SHAME!
Player 9. Andy Jacobs
Commiserations to Andy for narrowly missing out on the bowling award - its a cruel world as I found out last season. Andy had a rubbish season with the bat and apart from one or or two moments his fielding was pure puke but at least he took a lot of wickets to justify his place.
Player 10. Mike Kamellard
Mike fought bravely against his various injuries and ailments and played more games this season. He returned some economic bowling figures (except when a certain person was umpiring). Took my place in the order and made a few not out knocks to improve his all time average. Wins the "NORMAL" award for leaving to watch that great footballing side Uxbridge rather than getting drunk after the last game.
Player 11. Steve Meyler
I think Steve is secretly Ken's long lost brother. Blimey his surname should be BLOCK because that's all he does. But unlike others he did hang around long enough to take the shine off the ball - and the stitching, and the dye, and the leather. Generally fielded well but committed the cardinal sin of dropping Tony (I Wonder of whose bowling), so all his good efforts counted for sweer football association.
Player 12. Phil Patten
As usual a good haul of wicket with a nice little 5 for 13 against OSD. As for runs, well he did have a few mincing runs around the boundary to no avail. What a little mover (the Guinness oil is obviously not lubricating his poor old limbs as well as it used to). Phil should look at page 156 of "The Concise Oxford English Dictionary". I think that is the closest he will get to knowing what a catch is. Phil "The Mince", now in his twilight years, has started two new sidelines this season. He is co-founder of the Oink Oink Glee Club with fellow CATCHERS, Gary "I want to bowl" Batholomew and Tony "owzat" Whitrod. In addition he has begun the Patten's "Lust for Glory Futball Scool of Unexcellence". Thanks for the nice little ledt footer over the boundary to put "uriah" Benn ahead of me in the bowling averages Phl. His most promising student Barry "Not another 50" Gigg scored across the boundary with a 25 yard right foot screamer that would have had them roaring in the stands had it not been a cricket match. All in all a thoroughly nice chap.
Player 13. Mike Taylor
It was a priviledge to field long leg to Mike's superbly accurate bowling - I flipping well got a lot of exercise. He obviously mislaid his magnet this season as he didn't get his usual number of catching chances - Ken must have purloined the magnet. Thanks to the awfulness of our top order he had more chances with the bat and in general did not let the team down.
14. James Vickers
Meek, mild mannered James had his normal season - either out for virtually nothing or knocked off a quick 40 or 50. Played his part in the best stand of the season with the much maligned Steve Meyler at New Eltham. His almost telepathic understanding with Neil when taking quick singles was a joy to behold. NOTE: James did not bat against New Eltham. Phil must be eating a lot of cheese to have imagined that innings.
Player 15. Tony Whitrod
It has been suggested that Tony is our best annd most consistent batsman, our fastest and most accurate bowler, our most energetic fielder and our top wicket keeper. Unfortunately only one person believes such utter rubbish and is a BANKER of the first order. I will begrudging admit that he did make some good scores, but it was normally against poor bowling (not that helped Bartho or Carter). For a player who likes to hog the bowling Tony made sure that he did not face too many balls from Herr Turner.
Player 16. Tom Wilson
Player of the year in my book (only cos he saved my towel). Bowled very well and turned (geddit) matches with his immaculate round the wicket spinners. No, Tony there were not dross - learn about flight and spin. Tom maintained his perfect batting average - you can't get more perfect that a BIG FAT ZERO.
17. Others
Mervyn Aranha - Class player who played once for us against National Heritage scoring a magnificent seven and grabbing a couple of wickets.
Spencer Broadly - Played a couple of times and despite some erratic (understatement or what) bowling took a couple of wickets notably El Whitrod first ball 0 well done Spencer!
Tina Connor - Played once; our sexist idiot of a captain did not give her a bat or a bowl.
Darren Cooper - Played one game for us; thinks he's as good as his namesake who plays for England. He flipping isn't. Nuff said.
Tony Evans - Played twice taking 1 for 7 thereby keeping up his incredible (well I don't believe it) bowling average.
Mr Lomas - Did not see him play but he scored 40 odd runs in one innings which is more than Carter managed all year.
Paul Niblett - Played twice taking 2-35 and 2-19 so contributed to the cause.
Mike Wadham - Batted twice scoring 11 and 1. Seemed to do better when he batted against us - must be the rubbish bowling.
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