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This is Phil Patten's assessment of the team for 1996 with the odd amendment for pottymouthness, so could any lawsuits be directed to him please.
1. Gary Bartholomew
The match of the season was undoubtably against OSD which was Bartho's last game before the big baby sulkily announced that he was leaving. In his last game as an official Superstars player Bartho performed like the complete loser he is. Scored 1 run, and did his usual impersonation of the Statue of Liberty in the field dropping their top scorer Ray Owen. The wally still expected to be asked to bowl?? Are you flippin' sure? So mid season and Barth had left (much sleep lost). In fact the idiot even played for OSD and BOCS against is getting out second ball (well done Andy and Terry) and being comprehensively bowled by Paul and MEEEEEEEEE. But wait! For strange reason Bartho was asked to play a couple of matches at the end of the season and while his fielding and bowling were the usual rubbish he played one of the innings of the season against Dodgers - 33* off about four overs. He was forced to run two fours off successive ball (by Barry, who else?) which left him absolutely shattered but he still managed to score 16 off one over by Phil McBarron who loved it! However I do hope that this freak, once in a lifetime innings has not tempted Ken/Barry to ask Bartho to return next season. It is a temptation they must resist, resist, REESIST.
Player 2. Neil Benn
Despite a good start to the season Neil lost his confidence and thinks a change a team might help. WHY? He has therefore also decided to leave and asked to join Dodgers. Does the rat realise that they charge 25 quid subs? I think not. And will Phil McBarron or Neil Priest make special sandwiches and cakes for Neil's tea? NO WAY HOSE! (sic - website editor) Provided fifteen reasons for leaving and though I have not seen them* I can guess what they are and have listed them at Annex A (website editor - Annex A is on this page). But the real reason is simple - he was stumped by Gary Kentish and he cannot stand the shame.
Additional by ex-Captain
* These 15 reasons are still a mystery to most people. Rumour has it he told an attentive audience at Chiswick one night as they were gathered round the magic mushrooms, and all the ghoulies and beasties were revealed, although those that were there can't remember what was said. I believe Paul Simon has written a song along these lines. Still good luck next year to Dodgers, he is now their problem.
Player 3. Ken Block
Ken has decided to step down as Il Duce after this season mainly of annoying whingers - and we all know who they are, don't we. I thought he captained the side well except that I always seemed to be bowling against the Neil Priests of this world unlike that jammy crawler Andy. Ken was absolutely right in refusing to be pressurised into giving a certain wally a bowl. He almost won the bowling award by deliberately injuring himself near the end of the season and hoping me and Andy mucked it up. I managed to but jammy so-and-so didn't so TOUGH. Ken's batting was better this year and he made notable scores against OSD (26 and 40) and against LCD (43). Utterly disgraced himself on tour and I bet Lesley is really looking forward to next year's extravaganza.
Ex-Captain's note
I did not score any runs against LCD. I believe the 43 runs was scored against the DST 6 or 7, depending on whether they had their full side out or our second team. Lesley tells me she is looking forward to next year's tour as she enjoys seeing pain. As she cannot wait to see the lovely Stevie Carter again.
Player 4. Steve Carter
Steve kept up his genius record of getting injured when skippering the side. How we all laughed when Steve got hit in the face against Darren Cooper's XI. Without doubt the Kerrease up of the season! I suggest that next year if both Barry and Ken aren't playing we get Steve to skipper so we at least we can giggle at his expense. What a domehead!!! But you can say what you like about Steve's ability (useless is an apt word), but there is no doubting his courage (stupidity) as the wally turned out for the following fixture with two glorious shiners. Because the Civil Service would grind to a halt without him Steve missed a number of gamesd this year which meant that we were often in trouble as there were no one to take the shine off the ball HAH. His best (ONLY) batting performance was in the mid season practice match scoring 35* SHAME IT DOESN'T COUNT!! Due to a couple of incredibly lucky dismissals in a joke practice match Steve now considers himself a bowler and has threatened to follow the Bartho route of refusing to play unless he gets a bowl. I confidently predict that we will not win any match next year in which Steve bowls more than one one*.
*Unless he plays for the opposition, or bowls to Phil and Me.
5. Terry Carter
Unfortunately this is the last full season for Terry as he is emigrating to the US of A so will have to learn to play baseball. Mind you some of his wild swipes were reminiscent of baseball shots. Still managed to amass a fair amount of runs including a 44* and kept wicket in his usual quiet, unassuming manner. Star of his last match when he caught two, stumped one and assisted in a run out (Mike Wadham - HARD). Unfortunately then managed to get himself run out off a no ball - what an iriot. Has promised to try to make a few guest appearences next year. Hope so as I need some mug to buy me drinks.
*We will also miss his impartial comments about the umpires, especially John Adey.
Player 6. Matt Conway
Second season for Matt but did not play as many games as last season because he got married. Lucky girl or what? WHAT. *Comments removed by website editor -suffice they discuss the bedroom*. A top score of 12 is just not good enough and Matt will have to get behind himself and give himself a push otherwise next year he'll get a Carter (S) type write up.
7. Tony Evans
Due to injuries and cry babies not wanting to play Tony played more games than usual for us this year. This endured that his ridiculously low all time bowling average was nicely mucked up though he did manage to nab a couple of valuable wickets. Tony even managed to get a bat and surprised us all by scoring 8 and 7*. Is he secretly trying to get a high batting average? I don't think Barry or Steve will be worried*.
*Steve Carter is though.
Player 8. Barry Gigg
Has agreed to captain the side next year* with Ken as Fixture Secretary and Vice Captain. Hopefully the new responsibilities will help him regain his form of a couple of years ago. Barry often seemed set to play a big innings only to be dismissed in the mid twenties (on no less than 8 occasions). Did play two match winning innings - 53* against ACAS and a lightening 39* in company with his gruesomeness against Dodgers. Barry was his normal consistent self in the field and took a number of catches. Thankfully was not asked to bowl except in low-quality matches but the way things are going our attack next year will probably consist of Bartholomew (G), Carter (S), Gigg (B), Conway (M) and Wadham (M).
*Has only agreed to do it if he doesn't have to do ay work, ie selection and organisation, typical civil service management type, he'll go far.
9. Paul Hogg
Paul was the inspiration behind and the organiser of our first club tour which was a brilliant success (at least off the field). This combined with some good early season form made Paul a leading contender for player of the year. However due to the combination of bad luck, wallies dropping catches, illness and bowling too many wides his form tailed off. Even his best knock of 75 did not count as it was a practice match. Mind you his final batting average probably ain't too bad as he was not out on at least five occasions which suggests he is trying to take the place of me/Mike Kamellard. Hmmmmmmm. It might be worth checking to see whether, if the 75 counted, Paul would win the batting. If so I certainly vote for it to be included (especially as Antonio got only 10). Paul was reasonable in the field but he did drop his fair share of catches not that he was unduly criticised (see comments on Steve M).
10. Andy Jacobs
Last year I started off "commiserations to Andy for narrowly missing out on the bowling award". Well this year its a bit different you jammy so-and-so. AAARRRGGH is there no justice in the world? Just because he bought new trousers etc out of his undeserved redundancy dosh does not mean Andy should be exempt from bowling to Jenna, Neil Priest, Mervyn, the Brown brothers or other good batsmen. I'll admit Andy bowled the ball of the season to get rid of Bartho 2nd ball, but then Bartho really is a good batsman. Andy again did not bat as well as he can but at least he ensured that I didn't have to face DNH's demon fast bowler. Thank you for that! He fielded pretty well taking a number of catches but most of which were easy-peasy. Andy may not play so much next year as the lazy so-and-so will have to find a job - his redundancy money can only go so far.
Player 11. Mike Kamellard
In the main Mike bowled consistently well apart from his disaster on tour which may well have cost him the bowling award. He returned a number of economical figures such as 2-3, 1-4 and 2-9. This is probably because there were no "funny" umpiring decisions. Mike had limited opportunities with the bat, only havong four real innings. He fielded well though I can't remember him taking any catches (then again I can't remember him dropping any)*.
* I can.
12. Steve Lomas
Steve played seven times for us, all at Chiswick (including the game against Chiswick on the nearby ground which took us ages to find). He made a couple of good knocks of 23no and 28no against Dodgers but unfortunately was out first ball in his last match. Still an average of 20 is not bad. For Carter (S) an average of 20 would be postively excitement inducing.
Player 13. Steve Meyler (who for some dumb reason is known as Jonty)
If Steve does not win Player of the Year I am off to join BOCS. I demand a recheck of the batting averages as I still do not believe that El Whitrod won Batsman of the Year. Every year people moan (and I'll admit to the occasional gripe) at Steve for slow batting but this season we saw a new improved whiter than white DAZ ULTRA. In at least six games Steve's flashing blade (his bat not his sheep-caring utensil) made a decisive contribution to our victory. He is definitely now our NUMERO UNO batsman so Barry better pull his socks up. He also saved/won one game against BOCS because, thanks to acting captain Carter's awful arithmetic, Steve had to bowl the last over and did so without bowling any wides (take note Paul, Andy, Ken, Neil, Mike etc etc). Despite unwarranted criticism from some of the snides in the team Steve fielded pretty well. It seems that, like some of us, his every tiny mistake gets commented upon whereas others seem to get away with monumental muck ups or a "can't be bothered attitude" and not a word is said.
Player 14. Phil Patten
Another above average bowling season for our ultra fit, high flying, clean mouthed, well turned out and much travelled (+) Phil. Howwever, as he would be the first to admit his fielding and batting need work. Had the misfortune to become Superstars new bowling stars first wicket, something he will never be able to forget, will he Steve. Apparently he was beaten in the flight or something like, how do you see it Phil, he didn't. (+) Managed once again this season to turn up at the wrong ground, we were playing at Chiswick, so Phil confused this quite naturally with Lower Sydenham. At least he managed to get a game and a pint or three, he played for the BOCs select VI. He always has a nice word about someone, the someone being Steve Meyler, who for some reason has managed to escape Phil's comments this season. It won't last, he'll be there, next season, carping with the rest about slow scoring, and you diving over the ball so you don't have to chase after it Steve.
Player 15. Mike Taylor
Mike was again our best fielder despite missing a very easy catch on tour (I will never mention it again, though it ONLY cost me the bowling award). He missed a number of matches in the middle of the season because he left on a six week worldwide holiday. Where does the wally find the cash? Is he selling something on the side? Mike bowled much better this year, obviously having watched the master. Superbly kept his cool when he completely deceived and bowled Bartho whereupon the umpire (who shall remain nameless) called, sorry muttered, a no ball for some fatuous reason. Mike's batting seemed to suffer from lack of practice and opportunities and he was often out cheaply.
16. James Vickers
17. Mike Wadham
Mike is without doubt a run out king. Unfortunately he always runs himself out! Played six times for us, once on tour and five times during the rest of the season. Batted well without setting the world on fire. As I mentioned last year he always seems to bat better against us. Where the flip did he conjure up that lightning innings of 27 in the last game. Oh! Of course the bowling was absolute tripe. Step forward messrs Jacobs and Bartholomew.
Player 18. Tony Whitrod
Tony is the most upright, honest and fair of umpires. If you believe that rubbish then you probably believe the world is flat and the moon is made out of green cheese. There is nothing wrong with his eyesigh and therefore suggest we club together and buy a cricket rule book for the wally. Some the idiot managed to win the batting this year (pass the razor blade) despite being brilliantly run out by arch rival Jonty in the final match. Tony says that he doesn't care about winning (so why keep on smashing the stumps when you are out ?!!) but it has not gone unnoticed that when he fields against us he runs like a blue backsided fly whereas for us he is the laziest fielder (with one obvious exception) on the pitch. Tony bowled on occasion and I have to admit he did pretty well. I can't believe I just typed those last words.
Player 19. Tom Wilson
Again bowled well this year but this time without much reward though he did return the best figures of the season - 5-23 against OSD. However his batting improved no end and thanks to glorious knocks of 5no, 1 and 7 (unluckily run out) Tom improved his batting average to an all time high of 1.5. His catching and fielding were of his normal poor standard (but miles better than Bartho) except for - yes you've guessing it - off his own bowling. Tom is another was has said that he will not be playing as much next year (if at all) but in his case it is due to his back problems and because he hopes to find a job nearer home. NOY BECAUSE HE IS A MOANING MINNIE.
20. Others
John Adey - Fat so-and-so who play for us on tour and scored 4.
Note: Also an extremely fair and impartial umpire who does not take advice from the third umpire, ie the batsman at the strikers end.
Steven Bartholomew - Played against OSD and took the catch of the year off an outstanding ball and scored 12 runs though one suspects the the oppo were a bit generous. Still he did better than his blooming dad! Also played against BOCS getting 1 before becoming Gary Kentish's second victim. In case you didn't know Neil Benn was the other.
Rob Block - Ken's younger and far classier brother who played for us against LCD, fielded like a trojan and scoring 45*. I bet the LCD bowlers loved bowling to Rob and Priesty. Will keep the fixture next year!
Spencer Broadley - A lover of the alcohol who played for us on tour and lived up to his reputation. Apparently is now off long term sick - probably in the Betty Ford Clinic.
Sian Brown - Netball Girlie who played once against OSD and took a good catch at long leg (half our team would've dropped it) to dismiss Jenna so well done luv.
Darren Cooper - Played one game for us and smashed Tony (the WHitrod variety) for 19 runs in one over. All is forgiven Darren!
Peter Evans - Tony's son who played twice against BOCS and OSD, fielding well and scoring 4 against OSD.
Gibson P - Can't for the life of me remember who he is but he played once against ACAS and scored 11.
Mandy John - Athletic girl who played once against OSD, fielding better than some I could mention and scoring 14 not out.
Phil McBarron - Dodgers played who guested twice for us against OSD, in the first match taking 3-5 and scoring 5no and in the second match doing nothing. How come he hasn't topped himself after letting Bartho score 19 runs of one over?
Mullens - Played once for us against OSD. Enthusiastic fielder who unfortunately did not get a bat but did get to bowl one over.
Neil Priest - Class batsman who normally plays for Dodgers but played on tour and top scored with 27. Also played LCD scoring 52no.
Gary Tavender - Played on tour taking one wicket and scoring one run - big deal. Still if, as promised, he manages to organise a tour half as good as this year's I might buy him a drink. However I've got this horrible feeling my money's safe as Tav couldn't organise a Thomas the Tank at a train spotter's. convention and has hired Rick Kennedy as assistant organiser
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Related Links
1996 Stats
Career Stats at end 1996
1996 Captain Report
1996 Lanacashire Tour Report (1st tour ever)
1996 Lancashire Tour Gallery
15 Reasons Why Neil Benn left Superstars
1996 History
Other Player Reports
2003 Player Reports
2000 Player Reports
1999 Player Reports
1998 Player Reports
1997 Player Reports
1996 Player Reports
1995 Player Reports
1994 Player Reports
1993 Player Reports
1992 Player Reports