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This is Phil Patten's assessment of the team for 1997 with the odd amendment for pottymouthness, so could any lawsuits be directed to him please.
1. Tim Barraclough
New recruit who played nine or ten times for us. Tim is an enthusiastic fielder but a rather unlucky batsman being run out by our resident Geoff Boycott batalike and often receiving good balls from decent bowlers like Neil, David Underwood and Tony Evans!! His best knock was 25 against BOCS.
Player 2. Neil Benn
Was not sure whether to include him in my list of usual players as he is technically another rat who has left to join another side - in his case Dodgers and I know John Adey is ecstatic that he chose them. Be that as it may when Neil turned out for us he did do the business especially with the ball. Who knows if he had stayed with us he might have deprived a certain person of Bowler of the Year.
Player 3. Ken Block
Somehow won the Bowler of the Year but apparently I have been votedm person most likely to protect average. ARE YOU SURE?! I didn't have a worthwhile average to protect. If my mind is not playing tricks it was Ken who bowled to all the rabbits and weaker batsmen. No wonder he returned figures such as 2-7, 2-11 and 3-15. Moreover it did not go unnoticed that against Energy Exiles when that talented gentleman was tonking everything in sight it was moi not "I don't protect my average" Ken who had to bowl at him. Ken had a terrific season with the bat and managed to get his first 50 for the club amongst other impressive knocks. He can now be considered a genuine all rounder (well he's obese enough). Did not have such a good year in the field dropping his fair share of catches (I won't bore you with details of the bowler who suffered most) and making a few Bartho type muck ups.
Player 4. Steve Carter
Always gives 200% in the field - or so he claims. I dread to think what his fielding would be like if he only gave 50% or, perish the thought, 10% like that lazy so-and-so Tony. I mean Steve how many catches did you take this year or for that matter any other year? Had a better year with the bat (unlike some) and came close to averaging more than the jammy 1996 batsman of the year which would have caused much merriment and an enjoyable evening for Steve with a lady from Thailand. Still you can have that dream anyway. Thankfully Barry resisted what must have an overwhelming temptation to give Steve a bowl just cos he got a wicket on tour.
5. Terry Carter
El Tel did not leave to America as expected and, despite having a kidney stone op, played a reasonable number of games this season. Kept wicket very well - only arguing over three or four umpiring decisions which is tame by his standards. His batting was as per usual - either getting out cheaply or belting the ball all over the place. He was quite right to query one diabolical LBW decision. I won't bore you by revealing the name of the umpire. I hope Terry and Ros make the tour next year before they emigrate to the land where they play rubbish sports like baseball, gridflippinboringiron and evenmoreflippingboringbasketball. T'will be a good drink up.
Player 6. Matt Conway
Decided to concentrate on batting and fielding rather than confusing batsmen with his "thank you very much" spin bowling. Played some good innings though his high score of 78 does not count as twas a practice match AAH. His best innings was against STATS - 46 runs off 33 balls and then gets bowled by Tony Evans - jug avoidance or what. Matt's fielding is best remembered for his superlative and stylish dives - pity he never stopped the ball!
Player 7. Barry Gigg
The highlight of the season was undoubtedly Barry's unbeaten century against OSD when Superstars absolutely mucking furdered them. Anyone can make runs against rubbish bowling (ask Ken, Mike, Siva etc etc) but Barry got facing class bowlers like Merv, Dave Underwood and er, Tony Whitrod. Still 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Just for that one innings Barry deserved the batting award though he batted consistently throughout the season. Consistently useless that is. Nah only joking. Barry captained the side well though there were one or two occasions when he came in for some criticism - eg fielding first when the racing was on TV. I also thought he should have given more consideration to where he positioned his poorer fielders (Mike, Ken, Matt and himself) vis a vis his better fielders (200% Carter, Tom Wilson, Tony and Mike Wadham). Thank flip Barry resisted what must have been an overwhelming temptation to give himself a bowl just cos he got a wicket on tour.
8. Paul Hogg
Talking of awful fielders the prize for the most inept display of fielding goes to Paul for his incredibly pathetic performance against Stats. We lost count of his misfields and dropped catches (I won't bore you with the details of the bowler who suffered most). He did finally take two catches in that match but no prizes for guessing the identity of the bowler - shades of Tom Wilson. He did however share the second most popular stand of the season with the aforementioned Tom for the last wicket in a match against Dodgers. They had put on 26 glorious runs coming close to beating that vomit record of Mike K and Tav when Paul recklessly got himself out. Paul bowled consistently well with figures such as 3-4, 2-11 and 3-28. In fact if he had not bowled his usual high quota of wides he may well have sneaked the bowling award.
9. Andy Jacobs
Andy only played about a half dozen times mainly due to "work" commitments but when he did condescend to play he promptly tore his hamstring. He did pick up the odd wicket but like me did not have much opportunity with the bat. In fact me and Andy only played two matches together the whole season and one of those was on tour.
Player 10. Mike Kamellard
Did he play this year? Flipped if I can remember. I know he was on tour cos I was in his car listening to Sleepytime winning the 1000 Guineas. YEEERRRSSSS.
11. Steve Lomas
Played five games for us and was very unlucky not to make a 50 against Stats. He was 44 was going well when he fell victim to the most outragous LBW decision that I have ever witnessed. I won't bore you by revealing the name of the umpire.
Player 12. Steve Meyler
Steve started the season in the same fashion he ended last year scoring an unbeaten 50. He missed a couple of matches after that and thereafter his batting was not quite so good though he did score another unbeaten 50 in sharing the record partnership with Barry against OSD. His "Mickey Mouse" bowling (Ken's quote not mine) again proved useful and on one occasion he was on the point of a hat trick. Steve has been criticised in the past for his fielding but he took what was, without doubt, the catch of the season against Energy Exiles - a one handed dive to his left. The jammy bowler was, of course, Ken. HANG ON! Nice report two years in a row - LEAVE THAT ALONE. In the same match le idiote Meyler bowled one of the most rubbishest overs of all time - 22 runs in one flippin' over. What a Welsh wally.
13. Yogesh Patel
New recruit and a very good bowler. He played five games for us with best figures of 4-10. Had he played more often he might have beaten el jammy so-and-so for the bowling honours. Only batted once and, ho hum, was out for a duck. Unfortunately Yogesh might not be available much next season as the crawler is now PS to my esteemed, generous and absolutely fabulous leader Lawrie Haynes. (One never knows - a copy of this might get into his grubby hands).
Player 14. Phil Patten
Stupid idiot broke his hand in one of the first few games of the season, stopping a ball in the field, which is a rare occurrence these days for Mr Patten. So because of this missed a large number of games. He also joined the elite for Mr Patten. So because of this missed a large number of games. He also joined the elite of the Department as he missed a large number of games. He also joined the elite of the Department as he missed a large number of games. He also joined the the elite of the Department as he missed several games due to his impotance to the DETR, (probably should say importance, but who cares.) When he did play, it took him ages to take his first wicket, and when it came, it was courtesy of 'Rabbit's are Us' at Lower Sydenham. We had to wait even longer for his first run, in fact we saw the second coming and Halleys comet, before Phil got off the mark. He also had recurring injury in the games he played. After bowling a steady opening spell, he would then trot out to the long leg boundary, where he would mis-field and drop catches all day, then upon being asked to complete a second spell of bowling, would suddenly discover that his hand or shoulder had suddenly seized up. This was particularly noticeable when the batsman were crashing the ball to the boundary, under normal circumstances this would have won him the title of the person most likely to prtect their average, but as I seemed to be the only person to notice, this award went elsewhere.
15. Siva
Another new recruit (highjacked from Dodgers) and another good bowler if a bit too headstrong at times. Still I am sure the lessons from Terry will help. Don't all laugh. Siva was unlucky not to take more wickets than he did (dropped catches etc) and that, combined with sometimes wayward bowling probably cost him Bowler of the Year. He did return good figures of 2-6, 1-4, 2-4 and whoops 1-64. Siva has a refreshing attitude to batting - ie if it moves knock the hell out of it. This resulted in some good knocks and also some obsence dismissals. Siva was also responsible for bringing along to some matches phrase ommitted that certain people were drolling over.
Player 16. Mike Taylor
Mike was having a terrific season when he unfortunately was badly injured (for some strange reason the wally blames me). He had not had much chance to shine with the bat but but his bowling was more consistent and as for his fielding - WOW. He definitely has retrieved his magnet from Ken - every time the ball went up in the air it went to Mike. In one match he took four catches. So cocky did he become that he even caught one with one hand when he should have used to used two. Still pride comes before a fall and it was the consensus of opinion that he should have caught the ball that injured him. He returned late on in the season and as he was unable to bowl he was given a bat scoring good knocks of 26 and 30no. Because he couldn't run he had to ask for a runner - and those stupid idiots Matt and Steve obliged. I can still picture Steve, having run three on behalf of Mike, wheezing at the other end while Mike was urging him to "get on with it". No sympathy in our team.
17. Mike Wadham
Played half a dozen times with a superb top score of 4. However did take 2-1 off four balls against Ealing. Rubbish batsmen or what.
Player 18. Tony Whitrod
Tony has always maintained that he is a good loser and does not really care about winning. He is just happy to play cricket. This season he proved this beyond all doubt. After captaining OSD to their most humiliating defeat did he congratulate the winning team? NO HE FLIPPING DIDN'T. Did he sult in the corner> YES HE FLIPPING DID. Tony was 1996 batsman of the year but this year he had a poor season with the bat. His top score was us was a measly 25. In fact had he been out for a duck in his last innings he may well have been beaten in the averages by one S Carter and if that is not a flipping good reason for hara-kiri I don't know what is. If Tony doesn't get the award for WORST umpire I'll eat my hat.
Player 19. Tom Wilson
Though Tom did not play as many games this season due to injury and seeking gainful employment, he did provide two of the highlights of the season viz that last wicket partnership with Paul and the season's best spell of bowling against DNH. He did not take a wicket but then as some of us know wickets aren't everything. Figures of 8-3-14-0 speak for themselves and allowed out batsmen to comfortably reach their target.
20. Others
John Adey - Reformed boozer who played a couple of times, once on tour, and once against BOCS where he managed to claim the wicket of Alan Brown so it was worth turning up.
Gary Bartholomew - Go away.
Marylin Bartholomew - Played once on tour, taking a glorious wicket and fielding better than that wally Spencer (see below).
Spencer Broadly - For his antics on tour see separate report. One thing I did miss out was a glorious piece of fielding by Spencer. The batsman hit the ball and Spencer ran off in completely the wrong direction. What a domehead! ps Spencer was completely sober at the time. If you believe that you believe in fairies.
Darren Cooper - Played his normal one game this year against Stats scoring 25 before being LBW to Neil (miles outside leg stump naturally) and taking zero wickets and being no balled a couple of times much to his annoyance. I must remember to buy the umpire a drink.
Steve Dennis - Played one game getting a superb duck and injuring himself while fielding. As this was the first game against LCD where all the bowler were being hammered, it was not a surprise to see him in the changing rooms after with a big yellow streak down his back.
Mike Durrant - Played twice scoring 2 each time.
Andrew Field - One game and a superb golden duck.
Ron Gleeson - OSD regualr who played once against BOCS scoring 1 before being caught behind by Gary Kentish (slash wrist time) and taking 1-13.
Andy Longhurst - Hard hitting OSD regular who played twice for us getting a golden against DTI and another duck against LCD. Thanks for turning up Andy!
Phil McBarron - Played for us three times, scoring an unbeaten 50 in the only completed game on tour.
Karl Murphy - Played twice, scoring 11 against Ealing (and dropping two catches off successive balls). No prizes for guessing the name of the bowler. He redeemed himself by the scoring 25no against Stats.
Sean Oakley - Played one match for us in that match against OSD knocking off the final runs thus ensuring that we won by ten wickets.
Narren Patel - One game - one duck!
Philips - Played one game scoring an unbeaten 50 so obviously a class player.
Neil Priest - Played one game - did not bat but bowled. Schome mishtake shurely. What wally was captain that day?
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Related Links
1997 Stats
Career Stats as at 1997
1997 Captain's Report
1997 Yorkshire Tour Report
1997 AGM
The first ever 100 for Superstars
1997 History
Other Player Reports
2003 Player Reports
2000 Player Reports
1999 Player Reports
1998 Player Reports
1997 Player Reports
1996 Player Reports
1995 Player Reports
1994 Player Reports
1993 Player Reports
1992 Player Reports