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This is Phil Patten's assessment of the team for 1998 with the odd amendment for pottymouthness, so could any lawsuits be directed to him please.
1. Tim Barraclough
Played 11 games for us this season. Tim started the season with scores of 1, then 2, then 4 & 8. Had he continued this sequence his final innings would have been 1024! Yah dream on! His best score was 28 against BOCs. Pity he was unable to repeat that score against some of the better teams. Tim took two catches which is more than some of the other wallies in the team can boast of. Our Kapitan in his wisdom even gave Tim a bowl (well he can't be any worse than Carter or Whitrod) and to his credit Tim did not bowl and wides. Unlike some of us........
Player 2. Neil Benn
This season was a Bridge too far - Geddit! Played three times and although he scored a total of 33 runs and took 7 wickets (including a best of season 6-40) he promptly gave up for the season for some fatuous reason - showing a distinct lack of moral fibre. Two years in a good regiment would do you the world of good son.
Player 3. Ken Block
Ken now knows how I feel; you bowl you heart out all season, taking a record total of 37 wickets and some jammy so-and-so comes along and nicks the Bowler of the Year award in the last game of the season. You go for every and take all that could be reasonably expected and some other wally pips you at the post. Tis a cruel world Ken. As usual Ken played more games than anybody and put in hours upon hours of time organising the fixtures, and shoving everything else - his boozing, his enjoying the company of friend Retsina, his darts etc etc aside to play cricket. And what reward or thanks does he get? NONE! Well this time he gets my vote as Player of the Year and I will buy him a drink. Ken's batting was not as good as last year though he did make some fair knocks with a top score of 26.
Player 4. Steve "Deadly" Carter
I believe in beautiful pink fairies at the bottom of the garden; I believe that the Loch Ness monster and abominable snowman exist; I believe in little green men from Mars; I even still believe in Santa Claus; I do not believe that Carter got 7 wickets this season. What on earth was Barry thinking of giving El Stevie a bowl? What were Tony and Siva thinking of when they recklessly threw away their wickets to Stevie when playing for Stats? My word the idiot now thinks he's an ace bowler as well as a top opening batsman and supreme fielder. Top opening batsman? With a pathetic top score of 14 and a total of 55 runs in 10 innings - I think not; supreme fielder? Zero catches and numerous "Weetabixes" and Oinks and Oinks. Hmmm. And as for his bowling - BLURRGGH.
5. Terry Carter
Terry did not start the season too well but again ended up second in the batting thanks to his last five innings of 50no, 28, 13, 34no and 47no. Since we played the majority of our games at Chiswick this season Terry was able to turn out more frequently. Doesn't Mike Kamellard live in West London? Terry was his normal good mannered self behind the stumps only threatening to go "nuclear" once. Took 9 catches and made 3 stumpings which made him top dog in the wicket keeping stakes. As I am a very important EO I did not have much time to find out how many byes were conceded by the various keepers but it might be an interesting exercise for some trainspotter type with no work to do (Steve Carter?).
Player 6. Matt Conway
Matt decided to try his hand at keeping wicket this season and why not given the ineptitude of some of the other wallies who try to keep wicket. Must ask Gary Kentish if he will still be playing for BOCs next year. Actually Matt did take one stumping but I feel that the bowler in that instance must take the lion's share of the credit. To be fair Matt did keep wicket reasonably well if at times a little flashily. Matt unfortunately (for him) lost his Jug Avoidance Trophy when he hit 53no against CRO/HB (whoever they are) sharing a century opening stand with you know who. He followed this with an 81 but since this was a "joke" game it does not count towards the averages. Nor thankfully did Tony's 3-7, another set of figures I find hard to believe. What idiot kept score? AAH of course 'twas Matt who thereby conveniently avoided umpiring duties yet again - a fact that has not gone unnoticed amongst those of us who do most the umpiring. An unexpected good word here for both Steves, Ken, Tom, Mike, Terry and Tony????
Player 7. Barry Gigg
After a couple of not so good seasons with the bat Barry bounced back to his best. Mind you Steve (of the Carter variety) would enjoy himself immensely for a season half as good as Barry's worst. Seven half centuries including a purple patch of 73, 71no, 19, 52no, 83no and 35 in consectutive innings means that the Batsman of the Year trophy is heading back to its rightful home. 690 runs at an average of 86.25 is a fantastic record and those figures do not include a couple of retirements in "joke" games. Because of a knee injury Barry did not keep wicket this season leaving the door open for Paul and Matt to have a go. I don't think Terry (or Tony for that matter) are quaking in their boots. Instead Barry, no doubt astonished by the unbelievably successful bowling of Messers Carter and Whitrod, decided to give his own brand of awful bowling a tryout. And, wow, he got a couple of wickets. What is the world coming to?
8. Paul Hogg
Paul missed the latter part of the season for the feeblest excuses ever - his wife gave birth to a baby girl. And that is more important than playing cricket?! Are you sure?! A little tip here Paul - I know it will come as a shock to you but babies do not come from behind gooseberry bushes. They arrive nine months after you kiss your wife for the first time (using tongues). Soooo in future work back nine months and ensure that you lay off kissing for the months corresponding to the cricket season. I mean can't you lay off the kissing for months? Are you a kissaholic like Bill Clinton or Michael Douglas? Earlier on Paul has decided that he wanted to keep wicket rather than bowl (all that kissing must have worn him out) even though he had bowled pretty well without getting a lot of luck. He finished fourth in the averages and had the best economy rate amongst the regular bowlers. When he did keep wicket he did manage two stumpings, both off Tom, and also took the odd catch. Paul finished third in the batting averages mainly due to two good knocks of 50no (jo jug avoidance here) and 40no.
9. Andy Jacobs
Former stalwart Andy played twice this season scoring 33 runs and taking a paltry one wicket. I can't help but think if Andy, Neil, Paul and Mike Kamellard had played more games then two certain jammy so-and-sos would not have got a bowl and a lot of unneccessary agony suffered by the real bowlers could have been averted. What a quartet of Thomas the Tank fans (except Paul who obviously knows what to do). I hope they are proud of themselves.
Player 10. Mike (The Phantom) Kamellard
Only played five times this year, though he promised to turn up for at least 30 games. Still he made catch of the season - Tony Whitrod off our new demon bowler Carter. I have therefore deleted Mike from the list of wallies. However he does have the distinction of having taken more catches this season (ie 1) than runs scored.
11. Steve Lomas
Work committments meant that Steve played six games for us with a top score of 11. Did distinguish himself by taking two catches thereby doubling his all time total for Superstars. I look forward to him redoubling his total next season, hopefully with me and my mate Ken sharing the wickets.
Player 12. Steve Meyler
A reasonable year with the bat for Steve; finished fourth in the averages with over 350 runs including two half centuries but he kept getting out to disappointing balls. Despite widespread (ie Ken) criticism of his fielding Steve took 11 catches which put him only two behind the aforementioned Ken and he played three games less. Despite the emergence of our new strike bowling force, Steve bowled quite a few times this season taking 8 wickets which though not enough to qualify for this year's Bowler of the Year award did promote him to 2nd place in the all time averages. The person relegated to third was ME!!?!! I don't believe it you wally. Go back to Wales and enjoy some activities in those beautiful fields full of sheep. I was going to write some words of praise about how you were always willing to look after the kit but have decided against. I plan to put a couple of heavy bricks in each bag to ensure that you get a double hernia.
13. Yogesh Patel
Another bowler who deserved better this year. Yogesh bowled really well but due to work committments (ie mucho crawling) simply just did not play enough matches - only seven in all. As a result of this and some very bad luck Yogesh did not take sufficient wickets to qualify for a bowling average. He would have easily won the averages by a mile had he done so and not even Ken would have moaned. Here's a fact you will find sterrrange but true - Steve Carter took more wickets than Yogesh this season and had a better bowling average. VOMIT. I know who'd I'd rather face. Yogesh batted three times for a total of 12 runs and also took 3 catches which is pretty good in only seven games.
Player 14. Phil Patten (the bowler formerly known as 'Elmer Fudd')
'King Wabbit Taker' or Elmer as he has been known to his friend, has seen his title disappear over the last few years, most notably to ex-capitano Block, but over the last two seasons, Sheep fan Meyler, and this year Carter and Whitrod, Although he only managed to play in a few games this year, he has still provided the team with the most notable moments of the year, hence his nominations for Best and Funniest moment of the season. Judging by all the nominations, the age of the bowler who uprooted his stumps on tour remains to this day a mystery. Somewhere between 4 and 14 seems to be the reckoning. His bowling this year, in general has been of his usual standard, although Yogesh and Laurie Haines might disagree, he will never insult another bowler for 'wide deliveries', he will also probably shut up in future about 'Golden Ducks', at least until he has batted. His batting did improve this year, but only when playing against us for BOCS and Highways Agency. When he did manage an innings for Superstars, it was brief. Must learn not to edge to slip fielders, another classic this year, which I'm sure he will relate, if pushed far enough.
15. Siva
Siva did not bowl as well as he can this season. His best figures were 2-10 from 15 bowling stints. Partly this was due to bad luck, partly due to always having to bowl to better batsmen (unlike some of our players I could name) but mainly due to the fact that he bowled really badly. Obviously the lessons provided provided by Terry were of as much use as Rabies in a guide dogs home (Copyright B Manning circa 1976). However Siva will get one trophy this year - the Jug Avoidance trophy formerly held by Matt. Siva started off by scoring 44 not out on tour with the general opinion that he could haev made 50 if he put himself about a bit; later on he was on 33 when he suddenly decided to retire; WHY? And then to cap it all he was on 49 when he was caught and bowled by the worst bowler this side of Deptford Creek (Carter and Gigg live the other side). Like Tony, Siva has left the Dept so may not play as often next season. I hope not even if only for the "crutch". Tony can leave.
Player 16. Mike Taylor
Despite his numerous holidays and Awaydays (what idiot signs his leave sheet?) Mike played a number of matches and had a very good season with both bat and ball. And, of course, he retained his trophy for taking the most catches, 15 in all. Ken - there was never any doubt. Though Mike did not get a 50 this season he batted really well and it may be that we have found a new opening partner for Barry now that both Steves consider themselves as strike bowlers and Matt has taken up wicket keeping. Certainly Mike is the wally who can keep up with BIlly Whizz's running between wickets. Mike also bowled much better this year taking 20 wickets, second only to Ken.
Player 17. Tony Whitrod
I believe in pink fairies etc etc etc; I do not believe that Tony won the bowler of the year. AAARRGH. If my wild slog at the seventh ball of Tony's over when I playued for the HA made the difference I deserve to be thrashed to within an inch of my life (preferably by *this section removed for reasons of taste and unpleasant images*). Will Ken ever forgive me? Are Ken's wrists still scar free? How can the bowler of the year return such awful figures of 1.4 overs, no maidens 1 for 28!!! Yes that's right - 28 runs off 10 balls. Tony's luck did not stretch to his batting - he did not trouble the scorers until his 4th innings and his top score this season was a mere 31 and I am sure that 5 ducks must be some sort of record. Hold on - as Tony has now left the Department is he still eligible for any awards? Hmmmm. Me thinks some research into the club rules might not go amiss.
Player 19. Tom Wilson
It was a welcome sight to see Tom play more games this season. His bowling was not quite as good as last year but he still took his fair share of wickets - he just wasn't as jammy as some vomit featured persons. However Tom did have his besy year ever with the bat. 3 not outs, a total of 19 runs and a best ever score of 13 in the last match against Oddfellows (also score 14 not out in a joke game). May not sound like much but Tom almost always has to bat when either (i) we are trying to pile on the runs at the end of the innings or (ii) we are trying to win the match. Another notable first was a catch off somebody else's bowling. No prizes for guessing the identity of the jammy vomit featured "bowler". Ken must really love Tom.
19. Others
John Adey - Dodgers regular who played once on tour, scoring a glorious uno and taking one wicket. Big deal.
Nick Allan - Played twice scoring 3 and taking 3 for 15 against BOCS and getting 11 not out in his other game.
Merv Aranha - Classy player who turned out once for us taking 1-26 and scoring 16 runs.
Gary "Lipo" Bartholomew - Extreeeeeeemly fat person who played once on tour but this time got no funs (golden) and no wickets. So even bigger deal.
Marylin "Ryvita" Bartholomew - Did not play for Superstars this season but I have included Marylin just to annoy "Slimcea".
Steven Bartholomew - Sprog of the above dynamic duo who played twice for us this season scoring 7 runs (7 more than his idiot of a father) and taking one wicket (1 more than his idiot of a father). Pity he didn't take any catches then I could have used the word "idiot" once more.
Sian Brown - Netball equivalent of Vinny Jones and "know all" umpire. Certainly could talk for England. Her moment of glory was a blinding slip catch off Tony's poor bowling to dismiss me - why I didn't slash my wrist on the spot I'll never know.
John Carr - Classy player who turned out once and scored a superb one. Why is that good players always play like clones of Spencer when turning out for us?
Andy Crawford - Played twice getting a duck in his first game and then neatly avoiding purchasing a jug of ale with49 not out in his older game. Taking lessons from Matt and Siva no doubt.
Dave Crozier - BOCS regular who played three times scoring two ducks and a 5. Bowled once taking twowickets for two runs. Another who could who could have topped the bowling averages had he played more. NAH.
Steve Dennis - Played one game - did not bat and took 1 for 42 off 8 overs. Mind you the oppo were the mighty Highways Agency.
Neil Fleming - Played once scoring 4.
Andrew Ledger - Played twice scoring 12 runs and taking 1-22.
David Ledger - Don't know if he is related to the above but played once scoring 26. Did not bowl but managed to take one catch.
Andy Lewry - Class player who turned out once scoring 22 but taking 0-40.
Phil McBarron - Dodgers regular who played 3 times (twice on tour) scoring 50 runs in all but not taking any wickets and getting severely mauled.
Jason Marchant - Played four times, getting 32 runs in four innings and taking three wickets at reasonable cost. Also took one more catch than I did this season.
Russel Peacock - Played one match for us scoring 6.
Neil Priest - Played three times scoring 46, 38 and 52. Not bad eh - almost as good as me. Also bowled but not as successfully. Took two catches, one blinder against Highways Agency.
Reid - Played once in a "joke" game getting 0-20.
Linton Sharp - Played once scoring 7 and taking 0-17.
Renia Szymczak - Ken's friend who played once against Oddfellows but unfortunately did not trouble the scorers.
John Walsh - Played once, did not bat but took 1 for 8.
Mike Wadham - Played just three times scoring 2, 19 and 6. As per usual played better against us than for us.
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Related Links
1998 Captain's Report
1998 Stats
Career Stats as at 1998
1998 North Devon Tour Report
Neil Benn takes 6 wickets
1998 AGM
1998 History
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1998 Player Reports
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