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This is Phil Patten's assessment of the team for 1999 with the odd amendment for pottymouthness, so could any lawsuits be directed to him please.
Player 1. Richard Abigail
New recruit who played about half a dozen games for us. Hard hitting and, thankfully for him, quick running (I think he might even be as quick as Sir Barry) opening batsman was scored 61no in his first match which was against the Highways Agency. He never quite reached those heights again but did make a couple of other good knocks. Very athletic fielder with, mormally, a safe pair of hands except when Mr Very Unlucky is the bowler.
2. Tim Barraclough
Tim played six matches during the season and he finally managed to make a few decent knocks - 46, which in a normal year would have won the jug avoidance trophy and 37, both against against Dodgers. Please no snide comments such as "about time too". Tim was even allowed a bowl and took the wicket of that superb BOCS player Mike Fishman. Yogesh please note.
Player 3. Ken Block
Ken Block 1999
Player 4. Steve Carter
The Player of the Year award was effectively decided one sunny evening in early July. Steve and Matt opened against BOCS and were going along nicely when TRAGEDY!! Matt drove to mid on for an easy single but a loud cry of pain was from Steve as he started running for a single. Somehow our hero managed to hobble to the other end. One ot two wallies from BOCS were concerned but the umpires (Tony and me) had no sympathy and told him to get on with it. It was obvious to us that Steve was mucking about but we were wrong, horribly horribly wrong. It transpired that Steve had ruptured a tendon in his calf but did Steve retire? Of course not! Helped by runners (Tim and eventually Matt) he equalled his best ever score of 35, thumping four boundaries and with Matt put on 93 for the first wicket. Thankfully Matt holed out before they reached the century as me and Mike would have had to fork out considerable amounts of dosh to el hero. One criticism Steve - when someone is running for you don't try to join - you can still be run out you wally. But did Steve stop there? BOCS batted and, despite his severe injury which effectively ended his season, Steve bravely volunteered to field at slip and did nothing. Even so for this one heroic, beyond the call of duty, innings Steve does not only deserve the Player of the Year but the VC, the Iron Lung, oops sorry Cross, the Croix de Guerre, the Star of Lenin and a Blue Peter badge. As for his earlier exploits - the usual Steve Carter rubbish. However on tour some wally from the opposition said that he in his eyes Steve was a classier batsman that he looked. Sir Alec Ferguson immediately stepped in and signed the wally as his new goalie.
5. Terry Carter
As we played most of our games at Chiswick this year Terry was able to turn out for us more frequently. He had a relatively quiet season by his high standards - disputing five decisions versus Dodgers, two versus the Highways Agency, three or four against DCMS but only one against Lord Chancellors - off Tom's bowling. However in the latter case the adjacent slip fielder (who subsequently has made the position his) confirmed that Terry was quite right to have a go at the umpire and the cheating wally of a batsman - who of course went on to make 70 odd. It might just possibly be that Terry was right on all other occasions and that virtually every team that we play contains more than it's share of cheats or short sighted deaf idiots. Or on the other hand it could be that senile dementia is settling in. After all he did let enough byes through and against the highly accurate bowling from such luminaries as Siva, Mike, Simon and Chris Smith. Terry did not score as many runs as in previous years mainly because as he was so knackered from his wicketkeeping exertions he often batted lower down the order which had the knock on effect of protecting his average - four not outs from eight innings. It was pretty obvious that in the latter games of the season he and Mike Taylor were after getting the batting award by dubious means.
Player 6. Matt Conway
Started off the season brightly scoring 52 against Dodgers and bowling well (unlike some!) on tour. Thereafter his luck continued getting two very dodgy LBW decisions against Dodgers' tailenders (returning vomit figures 2-0), taking 3-27 and making 48 versus Stumpless and then scoring 60 in an opening partnership of 95 with the aforementioned Carter against BOCS. Still Matt you did something right - thankfully you holed out against BOCS!! I owe you a drink. I don't think I, or anyone else for that matter, could stomach the stereo gloating of Carter and Whitrod. At that stage Matt was in contention for both the batting and bowling trophies. Unfortunately Matt then mucked up big time (SHAME I hear you cry) - he did not take another wicket in four bowling stints and his last four innings were 1, 2, 0 and 3 - 6 runs in total. Myself and Tom would be disgusted by that meagre batting return. This loss of form coincided with Matt deciding to grow a beard of the goatee variety. A simple quiz now for players of all ages and sex. Fill in the missing word - "Matt that beard makes you look like and play like the ????? you are".
7. Dave Crozier
BOCS reject/transfer/traitor who sportingly agreed to turn out for us when we were short. Desperate more like! With the bat Dave managed knocks of 4, 0, 2, 0, another 0, wow 13 and wait for it 0; his bowling returns totalled two wickets for well over a 100 runs. In the field he made Tony Whitrod look sprightly. Thanks a lot BOCS! Next time give us a millionth way decent player like Ian Gooday or Dave Sles.
Player 8. Barry Gigg
A mixed season Barry. He made some good knocks including three half centuries, with a top score of 85 and took some fair and two brilliant catches. In fact all was going swimmingly until that faeful day in August when he had to watch in mental anguish as his record score for the club was eclipsed. Alright Meyler beating it would have been bad enough but WHITROD. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Slash wrist time. Due to an injury Barry did not keep wicket this year leaving the way open for El Tel to antagonise the opposition. I don't know if his injury was affecting him but it appeared to me that for once someone (Richard) was fasted twixt the wickets. I look forward to the time when Barry is gasping for breath when some selfish so and so (Simon, Chris please note) forces him to run three or four against his will.
Player 9. Simon Gundry
New recruit who seems to be following in the Yogesh mould of bowling really well without just reward. Simon often bowled (do I have to mention myself) against the better batsmen and returned sound economical figures without taking many wickets - obviously the second unluckiest bowler in the team. One tip Simon - next year make sure you play against BOCS - guaranteed fill your boots time. At his first game Simon muttered something about not being a very good bat but was willing to give it a try. Yeah ok Simon if you can't bat then Tony is handsome, Steve Carter is our best opener and Barry runs like a crab. His first four innings were 1no, 4no, a gallant 35no (Terry was protecting his average) and 11no. Thereafter he was out cheaply on a few occasions but ended the season on a high note with 34 and 20no. Simon is an athletic and enthusiastic fielder with a reliable pair of hands, taking several good catches. Certainly one for next season and horse to follow. Hang on- what wally said Simon looks like a horse. I'll murder 'im.
10. Paul Hogg
Northern so and so who has gone back north and did not even turn up for the tour. Wally.
Player 11. Mike Kamellard
The phantom mysteriously appeared to play two games on tour and one shortly afterwards. He took three wickets in all and scored one run - but at least he wasn't out. Then, just as mysteriously, he disappeared back to that strange and mystical place where no one can find him.
12. Andrew Ledger
Dodgers player who, hopefully, has seen the light and decided to defect to an undoubtedly better team. Though a good batsmen he did not set the world alight with a top score of 19no. However his bowling was better, taking 12 wickets in seven stints at an economical rate. Enough to win the bowling award, not that he had much to beat. Me thinkings a prolonged spell in the nets is needed for both bowlers and batsmen. Andrew does bowl a good outswinger, often forcing the batsman to snick one to slip or keeper. Given the senility/sobriety of our current keeper and the awful backup keepers I feel that we should nominate somebody as a specialist slip fielder. Now who took that genius catch at slip..........?
13. Steve Lomas
Steve played 5 times this year and finally got the good score that his technique often promises - 54 against Dodgers. Alright it was really slow but his partner at the other end (Tony) didn't exactly send the pulse racing either. Quick singles and converting twos into threes aren't Steve's and Tony's forte but at least they won the match. Dodgers must really hate Tony.
Player 14. Jason Marchant
Where would we find someone to step into the final footsteps of Ken Block? How do you replace the irreplaceable? Step forward Jason, named after a Greek hero, and he performed like one. Yeah OK way over the top but Jason did turn up for virtually every match and did contribute with bat, ball and in the field. If everybody (and I am not excluding moi) showed Jason's committment and enthusiam, particularly when fielding, we would be a better side. Jason's best bowling figures were 3-17 and in general he bowled quite well. His batting does need improvement with a top score of only 12no. There is a feeling amongst the team that he is capable of a lot better. However twas in the field that Jason shone this year, taking more catches than anyone else - puke up Mike - and willing to chase even the most lostest of causes unlike Tony or Matt who would do their normal show off dive, miss the ball and wait for somebody else to do the retrieving. Blimey in view of the above why didn't I vote for Jason as player of year instead of UUURRRGGGHHH.
Player 15. Steve Meyler
Steve's season was cut short as he had to undergo a leg operation so he only played nine games. I trust that all the incredibly unfunny jokes about old women etc have been repeated ad nauseum so I will refrain from adding to them. Miss Marple never reached the batting heights of previous seasons, her best score was 48 in nine innings. Three out of her last four innings ended in run outs so it was obvious that her delicate legs were playing up. Ena Sharples bowled three times this year taking 4 wickets for him, sorry her, a reasonable amount of runs. Let's hope she continues in the same vein (Geddit) next season.
16. Yogesh Patel
Played six times and again bowled well without due reward - only three wickets in all. But as per usual he only bowled against class players - HOLD ON!! It has come to my notice that Yogesh opened the bowling and bowled 4 overs against BOCS and let's face it BOCS are rubbish - come on sunshine you are rapidly running out of excuses. Yogesh only batted once scoring 14no which to my mind gives him an average of infinity thereby winning the batting award - go away Mike Taylor.
Player 17. Phil Patten
Most people would agree that Phil's bowling got better as the season progressed. Or to put it another way way, it could not have got any flipping worse. Phil's opening spell happened to be on tour against a good (test class!) batsman who had taken a fancy to his bowling. As the ground was reasonably near a river - the Severn actually - this bloke was carting loads of balls into it. While Phil was so helpfully assisting this batsman to dam the river we nearly ran out of balls. Five minutes later about three of us were told to try and find them even though a frogman would have been a better bet. After this shaky start to the season things settled down a bit and Phil took 12 wickets and ended third in the averages. One surprising thing about this season was the field placings. For the first time I can remember Phil started to appear close to the batsman. I expect he has spent all those years at fine leg and deep mid on simply wondering where the next pint was coming from and hoping that the ball would head towards Carter or Whitrod so he could have a laugh. But not this year. In fact he turned up at slip a couple of times! (Ask Barry why because I bet Phil doesn't know). As it happens I had a broken toe. Anybody else would have cried off!! And he took a catch as well! I can still see Phil's face when he took it. He was amazed. No more than the rest of us I can tell you. Finally his batting - POOR as usual. One measily run all season (and that was off the edge)
Just a couple of things Mike missed - my genius one handed pick up and throw against BOCS and my getting lost on the way to CHISWICK and walking half way to Richmond before sussing it.
18. Siva
Despite Terry's best efforts at encouragement and fatherly advice Siva's bowling remains erratic to say the least. Still he did return the season's best figures of 5 for 18 against Highways Agency. 8 bowlers were used that day and all except Siva (even Dave Crozier!) bowled reasonably well. Siva was just really lucky. But it does not matter - i mucked up Tony's claim to the season's best bowling performance. Actually Siva did bowl well on a couple of occasions taking 2-10 and 3-23 but he must lean to pitch the ball up more. Siva did not have much opportunity with the bat and is without doubt the worst backer up in the team. In his first knock this season Siva was joined at the wicket by Mr Kelberman who is stone deaf (a fact Siva was blissfully unaware of). I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable to happen but to my amazement they managed to survive without mishap until Kelberman was out LBW. This must have inspired Siva who went on to make 32, his only decent knock of the season. He totalled 11 runs in his four other knocks.
Player 19. Mike Taylor
I left my report on Mike till last so I could read what the wally wrote about me before venting my spleen. Right you idiot - firstly I noticed that didn't volunteer to bowl to that gentleman who was carting the ball into the River Severn. Mind you nor did anyone else for that matter. Secondly I'm glad Jason took more catches than you so BBLLLTTHHH. Thirdly you certainly get the jug avoidance trophy for you 49 not out against whoever. Mike batted 12 times this season was not out no less than eight times thus winning the batting trophy - his four innings were 49no (JA), 25no, 14no and a princely 1no - if that isn't protecting your average God knows what is. While our real batting heroes such as Barry, Matt, Steve and Tony were gallantly throwing away their wickets for the team cause it did not escape my notice that Mike and Tony were content to bat down the order and conserve their averages. Sneaky so-and-so's. Alright he did carry his bat for 58no earlier in the season but that is not the point. After years of sub-standard bowling Mike has finally sussed out that one does not bowl long hops or full tosses down the leg side and therefore his bowling was a lot better. He took 14 wickets at a reasonable rate, normally getting at least one wicket per match. His fielding was generally up to his normal high standard (he always fields in the "posy" positions) but his throwing can still be as wild as a puddy cat with a banger up where the sun doesn't shine.
Player 20. Tony Whitrod
Sometimes you hear some writer or actor giving a load of rubbish about how it is anguish from to write/speak lines. "Angst" is a word the brown nosed so and so's normally use. Well believe you me this next bit is agony/angst squared. Give me a visit to a drunken dentist related to the Marquis de Sade any time. Tony had a very good season [the wording in the original was slightly different]. He made a number of good knocks including 59no, 42no and 47 (most of them vs Dodgers) and topped all those with a club record score of 108no (Dodgers again). The only time he mucked up with the bat against Dodgers he then proceeded to take 5 of their wickets (including Neil Benn and John Carr) for 20 measly runs. ThankFULLY Siva managed to better those figures. Tony's fielding was his normal lazy rubbish (statuesque is a word that springs to mind) except off his own bowling and his umpiring was as awful as ever. But, unfortunately, the bottom line is:-
I voted for Tony for Player of the Year
Player 21. Tom Wilson
Tom became a little disheartened towards the end of the season - his normally consistent bowling had become erratic and even his better spells did not reap their just reward. In all Tom took just five wickets all season but taken in context he did not bowl all that bad - in contrast to those jammy people who bowled absolute rubbish and yet managed to take 5 wickets in one innings. Tom's fielding, especially his ground fielding, was much improved though once again he was unlucky enough to drop a couple of dollies - sorry Tom I had to vote for you on that one. His batting was Mr Consistency once again - four visits to the crease, three not outs and two runs, one more than Mr Patten.
22. Others
Nick Allan - Played twice scoring 3no and 5.
Gary Bartholomew - Ugly so and so par excellence. Played twice on tour getting two glorious runs and even claiming a wicket. The batsman must have obviously been a half wit.
Neil Benn - Ex-regular who played once, scoring 33 and then leaving to attend some doubtless vitally important meeting.
Sian Brown - Someone called Brown played for us once this year and got one wicket for 21 runs. Can't have been Sian though cos I wasn't playing for the oppo.
John Carr - Dodgers player who came on tour and thoroughly enjoyed it. Bit of a alcohol enthusiast which helps and also a willing card player much to the amusement of Bartho's pocket. John played 4 times and as well as keeping wicket effectively he made two knocks of 30+ so apparently the booze hasn't got to his brain yet which must be some kind of miracle.
Andy Crawford - Anudder Dodgers player who turned out twice for us scoring 9 and 6 and taking three wickets for a total of 69 (a figure which will no doubt cause much sniggering from the more juvenile and feeble minded readers) runs.
Steve Dennis - Played twice, did not bat and returned figures of 0-14 and 1-28.
Kelberman - Must have recruited him from Sgy Bilko's motor pool. Played once but contributed to our victory against Stumpless scoring 12 and saving his fair share of runs in the field. A certain person turned up late for this match and, fielding alongside, was suitably impressed but Herr Kelberman did not acknowledge my praise and encouragement. What damned arrogance, thinks I, only to discover afterwards that he is deaf, a fact that my esteemed team mates neglected to me or Siva, who arrived even later. See Siva's Profile
Phil McBarron - Played on tour scoring 23 and taking 3-26 which is rather better than some of us can boast.
Neil Priest - Played a couple of times on tour scoring 77no and 8 and taking 1-19.
Kevin Roper - Dodgers regular who played once scoring 22 and taking 1-36.
Chris Smith - Son of that well known reprobate and man about town Les Smith. Must have inherited his athletic ability from his mum as he is a useful cricketer (and footballer and golfer), whereas his dad is a useful dart player, lager drinker and nothing else. Chris bats and bowls very well and is a very good fielder (he caught two of Siva's famous five) so if he plays regularly next season watch out Mike and Jason.
P Taylor - ??????????.
Ward - Played twice scoring 19 and taking 3-12 and 0-28. Gobsmacked if I can remember who he is.
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Related Links
1999 Results & reports
1999 Captain's Report
1999 Stats
Career Stats as at 1999
1999 Worcestershire Tour Report
1999 AGM
Tony Whitrod's 100
1999 History
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