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This is Phil Patten's assessment of the team for 2003 with the odd amendment for pottymouthness, so could any lawsuits be directed to him please.
Player Richard Abigail
One of the Newcastle Eight (see here). Unfortunately Richard only played 3 other times this year for us. He scored 47 runs in all with a test of 35 against Dodgers in our first game of the season.
Paul Andrews
I have included Paul in the main section as he played 5 times for us this year. He batted 4 times scoring 1 run for an awe inspiring average of 0.33 and he bowled 13 overs for 113 and one wicket for an earth shattering average of 113 and a strike rate of 78. No need to guess how many catches he took. Blimey I hope Paul plays 25 times for Superstars next year. Don't worry Paul the only way is up. I hope and pray.
Player Ken Block
Ken is one of the world's leading authorities on the lagomorphic species Oryctolagus cuniculus - he can smell a rabbit a mile off. He's like the headlights of a car, they are transfixed and unable to do anything about it. But, it must be said that Ken bowled really well all season to all types of batsmen, the good, the bad and the ugly (Dodgers). He took a record equalling 35 wicket at an average of 10.91 with a strike rate of 16.94. His best bowling figures were 5-19 against the tail of Dodgers and 4-7 against those thrilling strokeplayers Ombudsmen. But the admirable thing about Ken's bowling was the sheer consistency and he deserved every one of his wickets (and may be one or two more - dropped catches, bad umpiring decisions etc). Ken batted six times scoring 46 runs with a best of 14 though on at least three occasions he had to bat to win/save the match which of course he did in his usual calm fashion. His fielding was again exemplary, taking 7 catches, including a screamer against DCMS and 3 in that same game (though he did miss one off my bowling when fielding at slip - it went inbetween Ken and Tony who both blamed each other - so what's new). However the bottom line is despite all his snide and unwarranted remarks about my fielding and bowling to rabbits I voted for Ken as player of the year.
Player Steve Carter
All in all a good season for Chairman Steve - yes i know it's hard to believe he is the chairman of the club - even if it was not quite the Year of the Carter. Highlight of course was his bet with Simon that he would score 100 this season and he achieved this by scoring an extremely nervy 5 against Dodgers (who else)! Steve had a mid season purple patch of 14no, 27no and 20 which meant that he had an average for those three matches of 61 and the wally made sure we all knew about it. Mind you those knocks were against less skillful teams. He also managed 17 in four scoring shots 'gainst DCMS including a 5 (website ed - all edges surely?) and the wally made sure we all knew about it. Our Kapitan in his wisdom gave Steve a bowl and he managed to get three wickets including Ombudsman's top scorer and the wally made sure we all knew about it. I know it is hard to believe but Steve's bowling average was 9.00!!! ie better than Ken's, Mike's and AAAARGHH ME. BLOW ME DOWN!! Just goes to show how meaningless averages are. In the same game v Ombudsman Steve gave Simon out LBW second ball which must have really pleased Simon as at the time it seemed that it might cost Simon - sorry God- winning the batting averages. Steve took his usual number of catches this year - NONE (and he dropped a few but doubtless his selective memory will conveniently forgot them) but his ground fielding was pretty good. My abiding memory of Steve's season was when batting against Science Museum - he hit one if his jammy legside shots which he assumed was heading to the boundary and he stood there posing like Kate Moss before suddenly realising that fielder had gathered the ball. So he only got 1 run instead of 2 - and a good throw would have run him out. Mid you he wasn't the only poser eh Tony.
Player Matt Conway
A very good season for Matt in particular with the bat, but as an added bonus he did take 4 wickets at an average of 8.25 - better than Carter's YESS (and also 0.1 better than God's). Of course the highlight of his bowling (for him) was bowling Simon round his legs when playing for DCMS. In the field Matt took 10 catches (equal third with Mike) though this was helped by a few wicket keeping stints. He also took a good stumping. But it was with the willow that Matt made his major contribution this season. His best ever innings of 85 against FSA at the Bank of England ground was for me, the knock of the season, closely followed by Craig's 75 in the same game. As a result we scored a club record of 280 for 4. Anyone can hot runs off of poor bowlers - just ask Carter and God - but FSA were one of the stronger teams we played. An added bonus was that Matt and Craig broke the record for the third wicket partnership previously held by Tony (YARRSSS) and Steve Meyler. Matt his two other 50s both against Dodgers and made a team highest total runs in the season of 457. T'was a close run thing as to who I voted for as player of the season. Hold on this is far too nice. If Matt hadn't cried off going to Newcastle for some pathetic reason we might have won the corporate games. What a wally.
Mark Coram
New recruit and an enthusiastic cricketer who is a qualified umpire. In which case I suggest he takes a couple of teammates (Kas and Tony) in hand to teach 'em bloody laws of t'game. Mark played 10 times this season and managed to bat nine times scoring 21 runs at an average of 2. Vomit. His bowling is similar to Jason's, ie the batsman's eyes light up and then he (the batsman) invariable mucks up and gets out. Mark took nine wickets at a fair rate so almost qualified for an average and is a welcome addition to the team. Mind you the award for the naive quote of the year goes to Mark when he said "we are a nice bunch to play for". In the immortal words of bugs bunny (what's it with me and rabbits) "he don't know me very well".
Colin Davey
This was probably Colin's best season for the club. He scored 105 runs in 11 innings (batting fairly high up the order and against good bowlers, unlike some eh Simon - sorry God) with a best of 30 against Agricola. Obviously having a few beers with me, Ken and Steve prior to a game did not do Colin any harm. I recommend that some of the other clowns in our side do likewise but they are too tight fisted. Some kind person foolishly gave Colin a bowl and he somehow managed to get a wicket. His victim is still receiving specialist counselling. Colin took 2 catches, one blinder off of my bowling so cheers Colin.
Billy Denyer
Enthusiastic new recruit who is useful with both bat and ball. He is also young which given the average age of some of the flipping lazy geriatrics in te team is no bad thing. A very clean striker of the ball, Billy played 10 matches batting 9 times scoring 124 runs at an average of 31 with a test of 33 not out against Science Museum. He bowled 31 overs and took 8 wickets at an average of 23.88. If he could curb his tendancy to try to bowl too fast (a few lessons from "the master" and Monsieur Block perhaps) he could develop into a very good bowler. Billy fielded well and took just the one catch.
Player Barry Gigg
As I am now a working colleague of Barry I had better be careful here. His captaincy was again reliable and he continued to give new(er) members of the squad a chance to bat or bowl as their abilities warranted. Not that he ever gave me a chance to field at slip. And he excelled himself in Newcastle (see Corporate Games report). Though Barry is still considered our most reliable bat he is developing the worrisome habit of getting out when the team desperately needs a steadying hand - witness his feeble shot against DWP which left us at 10 for 4 and his duck against Dodgers in the last match. But he did manage a few good knocks - 54 against Dodgers and 44 against FSA Devils being the highlights. One title Barry still retains in Run Out King (website ed - some things never change). In one match there were no less than 3 run outs and one stumping when Barry was at the other end - out of a total of 5 wickets.
Player Simon Gundry
Ho-hum another rubbish season for Simon - top of the batting, top of the bowling and he took the most catches (14) this season. A shoe-in for the Player of the Year you might think and the only serious challenger to Jonny Wilkinson for the BBC Sports Personaility Trophy. Hmmmm, let's have a closer look, shall we? Simon was top of the batting averages because of 12 not outs and/or retirements. Matt, Barry and Craig (in the same number of innings) all made more runs this season. Simon's knock of 57no against English Heritage with 2 sixes and 9 fours was one of the innings of the season but it did not go unnoticed that in a lot of other matches he batted well down the order and thereby protected his average. Now let's turn my nasty, evil little mind to the bowling department. True Simon returned the season's best figures 5-5 in our last match of the season against (WOW) HM Treasury thereby snatching the bowling award from Kas at the last gasp. Simon was without doubt our most dangerous bowler but why is it that Ken and me and constantly criticised for rabbit hunting when the biggest culprit is Simon. Blimey his favourite film is Watership Down and his favourite song is by Chas and Dave!! (website ed - falls down here Phil, everyone's fav C&D song is snooker loopy surely?). In the same game versus English Heritage some burke named Sherman was clouting everyone (except me as I kept giving him a single off the first ball) all around the ground. And how many overs did Simon bowl? 1 point flipping 2. Yes 8 glorious balls. If you think I am writing this vitriolic bile cos I am insanely jealous of Simon's cricketing ability you are well right. But in the spirit fair play I have to say that Simon's fielding was superb - not only did he take every chance that came his way (I'm sure Ken will correct me if I am wrong) but his ground fielding and throwing was magnifico. It's not easy to hide in the field - boy I've tried - but Simon can be placed anywhere in the field and you know he'll do a good job. So I voted for him as fielder of the year.
Steve Lomas
As we played a lot of games this summer at Chiswick Steve was able to turn out more often. He played 8 games in all scoring 71 runs (argh less than Carter) at an average of 10.14 (argh less than Carter). His best innings was 20 against HMTCO CC. His other innings Steve was run out twice mainly because Barry made him run one or two threes which did not go down well with Steve and absolutely knackered him.
Phil McBarron
Though primarily a Dodgers player I have included Phil in the main summary as he played 5 times for us this season. Indeed he scored over 100 runs in those games (including a jug avoidance 49). In our second game against FSA he and Mike formed a match saving partnership of just under 50 before rain intervened. Phil bowled just the 2 overs and conceded 8 runs.
Ilyas Mallick
New recruit who is a welcome addition to the team. Played four times and in his first game hit a club record 126 not out in the "tour match" against Aldenham CC (website ed - see a style="text-decoration:none" href="/tour/2003.html">report). Unfortunately he only played 3 other games so did not have much opportunity to repeat that feat and he eventually finished runner up (to God) in the batting averages. Ilyas is also a very good bowler and he was unlucky not to take more than one wicket. He also held 4 catches in his 4 games. The only time I played in the same game as Ilyas he went out to bat with a helmet on. He's either a very good player or a complete wally muses I. Luckily it's the former.
Player Jason Marchant
A good steady season for Jason. He played 11 times and took 11 wickets to qualify for the bowling averages. His best figures were 3-36 against some rubbish team who I cannot recall. But his best bowling was undoubtedly in Newcastle (report here). Jason was given limited opportunities with the bat, often coming in with only a few overs/balls left. In all he batted 7 times, was not out 5 times yet only a few overs/balls left. In all he batted 7 times, was not out 5 times yet only scored 26 runs. Jason again crawled his way into Barry's good books so spent a lot of time fielding at slip, a position I feel should go to more senior members of the squad. He took 3 catches but I can't remember if any were at slip.
Player Steve Meyler
Steve only played 7 times this year but still managed to get the 100 runs required for an average. He scored 130 runs at an average of 30.5 with a suspiciously jud avoidance best of 49no against Dodgers. Mind you he did his usual impersonation of Chris Tavare in the game against DCMS - 17 runs from about 100 balls. Even the Carter person outscored him. Steve also bowled a total of 13 overs and managed to get 6 wickets, which is not bad return for such a awful bowler. He also bagged a good catch.
Player Phil Patten
I should start by saying that Phil gave me a few reminders of his performance this year to help me prepare this report. One of the things he mentioned was the fact he played half cut at the Bank of England ground. This immediately threw me because I thought he played half cut at every match.
Anyway, Phil is the senior member of the team by a number of years and still an important wicket taker. His policy of boring batsmen to death with a consistent line and length never seems to fail - this year's figures of 20 wickets at average of 12 prove it. He also made a bid this year for the "Elmer Fudd" award, adding a number of rabbits to his list of wickets - particularly in the Ombudsboys match when he took 4-1. But, of course, Ken won that by a mile.
It has been noted that his claims to be recognised close fielder have been exposed for what they really are. No longer can he be seen languidly chatting and dropping sitters at slip. Now he features in the key positions of fine leg or third man. And what a laugh he provides for his team members as he consistently lets the ball dribble over the boundary having mis-fielded. But at leas his trousers didn't fall down as he was running for the ball as happened last year - what a crease up that was. But, I suppose, he ain't really that bad, because I seem to remember him cutting off some speedy shots and his throwing arm still manages to head the ball in the right direction.
On the batting front he would often talk us through his "genius" innings early in the season, and on the basis of this that he should be pushed up the order, though all he really did was blindly thrash at the ball and luckily made contact a few times - Barry, there's a lesson for you there I think. But let's face it, if Phil goes up the order where does that leave those other all rounder waiting on the boundary while Tony sends us all to sleep. Finally, how can anyone forget Phil's appearence as an "athlete" at the Corporate Games in Newcastle.
In fact, on reflection, Phil's an example to us all - an example of how life can be spent playing cricket, drinking, gambling and avoiding work as much as possible. Long may it continue.
Player Craig Perera
A bit of a mixed bag this year for Craig. He started off brilliantly with a stylish knock of 70 odd, had a slump in form mid season (though he did have a few 25 not outs/retirements) but finished it in great style. In total he scored 420 runs (one behind Barry but a lot more than you know who) at an average of 38.18. Craig's best innings was 74 against FSA - he had to put up with a considerable amount of sledging that day but he (and Matt) answered it in thrilling fashion (well i was thrilled though 5 pints of Blackthorn Cider might have been a contributing factor). Craig is a better bowler than he thinks (as he proved in Newcastle) and hopefully, dodgy shoulder permitting, will be able to bowl more times next year. Craig took some good catches this year and fifth in the table with 9. Unfortunately the one that got away was on the boundary when he injured his thumb abd had to depart the field. The bowler concerned is a forgiving sort and not the type of person to hold petty grudges. CRAIG YOU WALLY!!!!
Kassimali Poptani
New recruit who can bat, bowl and field. In fact his left arm swingers almost won the bowling averages - just scraping in with 10 wickets at an average of 9.2 (which as he will doubtless point out is inferior to Steve's). He batted three times scoring 36 runs with an average of 36 and a top score of 25no. In the field he was generally reliable and took one catch. As regulars will know it is normal for me to be "nice" to new players and refrain from using foul language. However I am going to have to break with precedent in Kas's case. Alright Kas is a very good cricketer but one thing he flipping can't do is flipping umpire. One decision in particular when he gave Chris out LBW was diabolical - I was scoring and had already put down a dot ball. It was so far down the leg side it could well have been called a wide. Blimey Kas this means I cannot vote for Tony as worst umpire. Unfortunately Kas is being released by those moronic tendencies who run DfT so probably will not be available next year.
Chris Rai
Another new recruit (how the flip did we get 'em?) and again a very good cricketer. He can bat, bowl and field. In all he scored 179 runs from 10 innings with a best knock of 42no vs Dissidents at an average of 29.83 (he scored exactly the same number of runs as Mike T with exactly the same average - weird eh). However Chris's average would have been a wee bit better if he had not been given out LBW for a big fat 0 by Kas (see above). Surprisingly Chris only got 1 wicket from 13 overs - he is a much better bowler than that. Must take lessons from Ken and God on how to spot members of the Order Lagomorpha rather than always bowling to flipping good batsmen. Chris took 2 catches, both of them reasonably comfortable as I recall.
Raven Subramoney
Amazingly Raven only played five times for Superstars this season though he did go to Newcastle to represent SPARTA. In those five games he took 5 wickets at an average of 14.8, batted three times scoring a massive total of 6 runs (11 less than me you wally ha ha!) and took 2 catches. But Raven's moment of the season came in Newcastle where he took one beauty of a catch which will get my vote for catch of the season.
Player Mike Taylor
Another reasonable season for Mike. He played in 27 of our 28 matches (why should he stand down?) and bowled a mammoth 119 overs which is more than me and Jason combined. He took 24 wickets (including what would have been, until God stepped in, the season's best of 5-10 against SRA) and could well have had more particularly if he had not tried some pathetic attempts at spin. Leave that to the masters of flight and deception Steve, Colin and Barry. Mike was the only apart from God to feature in both the batting and bowling averages. He batted 13 times and was not out no less than seven times - never let it be said that Mike protects his averages. He scored a total of 179 runs (the same as Chris but one run behind El Idiot) at an average of 29.83 with a best of 36 not out against DCMS (he topped scored at a time we were in deep dodo). One of the highlights of the year was the uncanny psychic rapport between Mike and Tony when they had the pleasure of batting together. Their running between the wickets was a joy to behold. Hopefully next year they will be granted many more opportunities to further refine their incredible understanding. In the catches table Mike was joint third with ten most of 'em pretty good but none outstanding.
p.s. If Mike, in his character assassination of moi, mentions ELMER FUDD it should be pointed out that whilst good ol' Elmer spends a lot of time "hunting wabbits" he never actually gets one.
Player Tony Whitrod
Tony's opinion of his cricketing prowess is in almost perfectly inverse proportion to the opinion of the rest of the players (copyrightPaul Haigh of the Racing Post). Mind you I could say that about 95% of our players. He thinks he is a quick scoring batsman; Oh yeah 23 balls before scoring a run against Dodgers! Even the three Steves would be ashamed with that. He thinks he is the best wicketkeeper in the team just because he took the most stumpings this season. But he missed the easiest run out of the season because "the throw wasn't straight". He had to stretch his arms all of six inches to gether the throw. AAAH DIDDUMS. In the field Tony considers himself one of our better fielders but I'll vouch that the rest of the team sees him as the laziest so-and-so in Christendom. In the game against BSI he mooched around being typically obstrperous and touched the ball a grand total of two times and that was one of his more dynamic performances. Jonty Rhodes must be really quaking in his shoes. Alright to be fair Tony he did bat pretty on a number of occasions scoring 180 runs at an average of exactly 30. His bowling, when called upon was OK and he did take four stumpings including one off me - thanks Tone. However the high point of Tony's season was undoubtably when guesting for Dodgers in a Sunday game. He was bowling when a girl came out to bat. According to Tony she was a cross between Serena Williams and a Russian shot putter but in reality she was a winsome little thing with cute curly golden locks and, of course, a lisp. Thith waif like girl protheeded to thmathh Tony'th uthlethth bowling for four thucceththive boundarieth! YETH FOUR. What a thool.
Nick Allen - Played three times scoring 27 runs with a best of 17. Also took one catch.
Gary Bartholomew - Did not play but I have included him as he promised to play against Jason's team at Stone. He turned up in one of his puke coloured shirts and said he could not play because a "virus". This "virus" did not prevent the idiot from partaking of the food generously provided by Jason's mum. And did the greedy so-and-so pay for the grub. No he did not (see picture bonus below).
Gary Bartholomew - Did not play but I have included him as he promised to play against Jason's team at Stone. He turned up in one of his puke coloured shirts and said he could not play because a "virus". This "virus" did not prevent the idiot from partaking of the food generously provided by Jason's mum. And did the greedy so-and-so pay for the grub. No he did not (see picture bonus below).
Steven Bartholomew - Played 4 times and scored 15 runs in 3 innings with a top score of 11 including a glorious cover drive to the boundary. Unfortunately some wally then ran him out.
Neil Benn - Dodgers regular who played twice scoring 11 not out and taking a couple of wickets.
Darren Cooper - Played once scoring 8 runs. He also bowled and conceded 32 runs in three overs - good economy rate or what?
John Cooper - Don't think he is Darren's brother (hope not for his sake) but John also scored 8 runs this season. Amazingly he also conceded 32 runs when bowling. But in his case it took 7 overs. However John's greatest contribution to the Superstars team was when umpiring for Dodgers and giving Neil Priest out LBW. Priesty was not amused.
Pete Frost - Founder member of the team who did not play but deserves a mention as he umpired for us a few times and certain people - I'm fed up with typing the letter T - how to umpire. Hopefully next year he'll play in a few games and help the other old masters (me and Ken) show these young upstartrs what good bowling is all about.
Simon Huish - Played once was out for a duck. What more needs to be said?
Mike Kamellard - Former regular who played only once taking 2-21. Must have been really good batsmen. Since compiling this I have found out that the batsmen were John Adey and Pope of Dodgers so I right the first time.
Neil Priest - Played just the once and was out for a duck which is most unusual - did take a catch though.
Nic Suggit - Promising new recruit who played 4 times and scored 10 runs in two knocks. However it was as a bowler that Nic really shone. In just over 10 overs he took six wickets at an average of just 7.17 with a best of 3-14 against AEAT Rail. If he had played a few more games he might well have won the bowling average and God would have been mightly displeased. Nic also took a couple of catches.
Siva - Rumour has it that Siva's missus is about to/has had yet another beautifulk bouncing bay. Anyhow Siva only turned out once this year taking 1-34.
Andrew Tucker - Played 3 times scoring 15 runs with a top score of 12 so nothing earth shattering there. However Andy was very impressive when he kept wicket for half an innings against DCMS and he took 2 catches.
David Watson - Played once, bowled 2 overs at a cost of 23 runs.
Picture Bonus
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Related Links
2003 Results
2003 Stats
Career Stats as at 2003
2003 Herts Tour Report
2003 Newcastle Corporate Games
2003 AGM
2003 Sports Day Winners
Ilyas Malick's 126no v Aldenham
Simon Gundry's 5-5 v Treasury & CO
Mike Taylor's 5-10 v SRA
Matt C and Craig P's Record 3rd Wicket Partnership
Ken and Mike T's Record 11th(!) Wicket Partnership
2003 History
Other Player Reports
2003 Player Reports
2000 Player Reports
1999 Player Reports
1998 Player Reports
1997 Player Reports
1996 Player Reports
1995 Player Reports
1994 Player Reports
1993 Player Reports
1992 Player Reports