Superstars Logo
Welcome to the official website of
Superstars Cricket Club
Home Page
News Archive
Fixtures & Results
Photo Gallery
Contact Us
Superstars Logo
Popular Links
Current Fixtures/Results
Last Season's Results
Current Tour
Current Awards Night Report
Current Annual Stats
Ken Block Trophy
This report was originally written by Phil Patten. It has been edited to ensure it is suitable for a family audience (!) but if you wish to see the original please e-mail proving you're 18 years of age. Please direct complaints or legal actions to Phil, not myself.
Getting There.
Our motley band of so called cricketers set off from various locations to play two local sides on the Lancashire/Yorkshire border. Barth and Marilyn met up with Tav in Sheffield to watch ultra exciting sport snooker - YAWN. Some of us had to go all the way to Reading just to get a lift - still at least we met in Furkin pub with a beautiful view. This must have affected Steve's brain cell as he managed to get himself stuck in Andy's khazi and then blunder into the wrong room, where there was a lodger and his female friend. The lodger was not amused. Nor was Andy when some suspicious stains appeared on the carpet next morning. At this point i was beginning to question the wisdom of agreeing to share a room with you know who. Fortunately he was on his best behaviour when we stopped at Andy's parents in Buxton who were as good as gold and kindly gave us fish and chips. Andy, are you sure you weren't adopted?
Classic Superstars Line Up
At any rate we all (except Mike K who was probably watching Uxbridge - aren't we an interesting bunch of people) managed to arrive safely at the Ye Olde Stone Trough Inn in Kelbrook at various times on Friday evening. It was apparent even to my untrained eye that a few persons - yes you Spencer - had already been partaking of alcoholic refereshment and there was a slight possibility that one or two people were going to get a wee bit bit inebriated. I was not wrong. Some of us decided to try out the local boozers whilst others were content to stay in the hotel. There was a disco at the hotel and by the time we arrived back from our pub crawl the party was in full swing. Most of the locals has left leaving the stage to us reprobates. The DJ was happy to play most of our requests (the lying little so-and-so said he did not have Free Bird or Child in Time) and there was much boozing, singing and even dancing. If there is a sight guaranteed to make you puke its those two fat so-and-so's Ken and Mike Wadham dancing to ABBA's Dancing Queen. Eventually the DJ gave up, the bar was closed was all crawled, in some cases literally, off to bed.
Saturday 4 May.
The day dawned bright and clear and we were looking forwardto the 'B' team playing at Waddington, a small village a few miles from our base. After enjoying a hearty breakfast a number of us decided to go for a brisk walk (albeit in different directions) before setting out for the game or to play bowls to Colne. BUT STOP - one of our party was missing - he had not made breakfast, hearty or otherwise, Who was this person and where could he be? Twas none other than our captain Ken who was puking, vomiting, spewing his guts, giving it lots HUUUUGGhie and RRRRAAAlphie and throwing up all the "food" he had consumed the night before. Must have been that dodgy meal. Lesley was suitably sympathetic. Ken was suffering in bed and told us that he was unfit to play - what a WIMP. This left the team in a dilemma - who was to take his place in the match? Under the circumstances I was fully prepared to give up free Saturday to bolster the strength of the feeble 'B' team but to everyone's surprise Neil (isn't Steve vice captain?) picked Mike Taylor. I mean blooming Mike Taylor - poser or what.
However I was not too disappointed as Paul had assured us that there was a pitch and putt course and bowling green in Colne and we would have been happy to play either. Steve Meyler had promised us a lift to Colne thence to the game but had flown off somewhere so we decided to walk to Colne. Of course halfway there he whizzed past. Did he stop? Did he flip! Worse was to come. Yes Paul there is a bowling green and a pitch and putt course in Colne but they were both flipping shut so me and Steve had to spend the day in disappointing COlne boozing and gambling (Meyler had of course disappeared again). Eventually we decided to get a cab to the match. The driver didn't have a clue where he was going and then had the temerity to charge us a fortune. Acrimonious words were exchanged and still think the so-and-so was lucky to get what he did. And the wally timed it so we were just in time to Bartho's wicket - GOOD!
The Waddington Match.
Neil lost the toss (nothing changes) and our B team was put into bat. The wicket was very green and bounce unpredictable - in fact it was actually underwater the week before (the wicket not the bounce). It was too slow even for Bartho....... Paul Hogg opened the batting with Barry and after the first over we were 5 for nought. It went a wee bit downhill from there though though Barry did smash a six over the short boundary (more of that later). Paul was out after a dismal 11 deliveries, bowled by a low one, although Neil insists that Paul was so far away from the ball the umpire thought about calling a wide - then the ball hit the stumpts [Ed - a low wide perhaps?!]. Barry and Neil Priest then not surprisingly formed the best partnership. Barry was out for 20, Bartho came in with his Guinness sweatshirt (pure genius) and made a devastating 4 off 22 balls. His presence will be sorely missed for the rest of the season. Mike Taylor was then out to a dubious (so he claims) LBW. He actually achieved a double-Meyler in both matches (facing two overs without scoring) and this feat has now been christened a "Taylor". Priesty soon followed him back to the pavillion, top scoring with 27. The tail wagged a little, John Adey making 4 and Mike Wadham making 15 despite hurting his back and gallantly playing on with a runner (YAH). Neil then came in but far too late down the order to make much of an impression and was run out for 17. Spencer was out third ball, Tom got his usual golden and Tav was left not out one. AAAHHHH. A dismal 120 all out, although to be honest their bowling was very tight, Pattenish almost (at this point I should point out that this section of the report was compiled by Paul Hogg) with one of them having figures of 8-5-8-3! The only relief was when they bought on a young lad who bowled very quickly but very wide (Hoggish) who gave us plenty of extras.
As to the bowling and fielding... what can be said? There was a very short boundary and they kept hitting the ball over it! Mike Taylor and Tav opened the bowling. Tav bowled well (one wicket for 20). Neil took Mike off after 3 overs and bought himself on. He started bowling his slower stuff and didn't do too badly, but when he changed to his quicker style he got mullahed for a few fours on that boundary. Tom and Paul came on next but by now it was clear that we had no chance of winning and Neil tried to give everyone a bowl - flipping lucky Carter wasn't playing. Tom bowled with his usual consistency and picked up two wickets and Paul got another one. But without doubt our poorest player was Spencer who had a mare of a game. His bowling took two or three bounces to reach the batsman and he was either very nervous, trying to hard or just plain drunk. No prizes for guessing which. Neil had to take him off mid over because of a "groin injury". John Adey had a bowl and then just to annoy everyone (particularly Ken) Bartho bowled the last over and took a wicket with his joke first ball. Waddington won the match easily by five wickets with a mere matter of 20 overs in hand. The fielding was a little sloppy (what can you expect from the B team) but Paul could not recall any dropped catches - probably because the ball kept sailing over the boundary.
After the match the players and spectators adjourned to a local hostelrey for a few beers and the oppo kindly provided some grub. El navigator Tav took us on a short cut back to the hotel giving Bartho a few heart attacks. At least Tav knew where we were going unlike that little tinker of a taxi driver. Once again we found ourselves in the pub/hotel bar but Ken had learnt his lession and took things easier. That did not stop others, notably Spencer and Neil Priest, from getting stuck into the booze.
Sunday 5 May
Another lovely clear day and this time it would be the turn of the 'A' team to play - their opponents a team five minutes down the road, Foulridge CC. After another fine breakfast which this time Ken partook of we met in the hotel bar before setting off for the match. Some bright spark suggested a friendly game of cards to while away the 20 minutes or so before we left. After the dust had settled Angela and Leslie were looking daggers at Paul and Steve M, I was in smug mode, Stevie was tilting violently to the right due to all the money in his wallet and Marilyn was sharpening a knife so that Bartho could commit seppuku*. And Tav finished "about three quid up". And we really all believe him. Oh and look there goes Lord Locan and Elvis riding Shergar and Red Rum.
The Foulridge Match
Some us walked to the ground and met up in the New Inn, a small pub close to the ground. Lazy so-and-so's went by car. The match at Foulridge benefitted from a far better performance in the field. Foulridger were put into bat by our successful tosser of a captain and a good early spell of bowling by Paul and Neil restricted them to 55 runs off the first 19 overs. However a strong middle order partnership of 100 and some slogging off the last few overs meant Foulridge finished on 222 for 9.
The two batting sides seemed to be very evenly matched (who wrote this rubbish for DoT News) and touring side considered 222 to be in reach - in our dreams. Foulridge's opening bowler was by the quickest** of the two teams and dismissed our first four "batsmen" in his opening spell.
Two senseless run outs followed leaving those master batsmen Steve Carter, Mike Kamellard and Tom Wilson to scrape us into treble figures.
What really happened is that Paul bowled really well, taking the first four wickets while Neil bowled ok, generally keeping the batsmen quiet. Then when the master bowler came on some WALLY*** dropped a very easy catch and the bloke went on to make 70 odd runs mainly off of Mike K. Meanwhile Andy, one of our best bowlers, was twiddling his thumbs on the boundary. Why the flip didn't you give him a bowl Ken? Even a person of low intellect like Carter could see that we needed a change of bowler. At any rate Foulridge were allowed to pile up a score of 222.
Barry and Steve Meyler started off OK but as soon as they were out we never looked like getting near that score. Their opening opening bowler will probably end up playing for England and he effectively ended the game by getting the first four wickets. Paul and Andy obviously felt sorry for the opposition and both stupidly ran themselves out. We needed a hero just to make the score respectable. Step forward Steve Carter. His bat was like a magic wand as he despatched the ball to the boundary and he drew gasps of astonishment from those priviledged to be watching or partnering him. Is that the biggest load of lies or what. Basically Foulridge bought on some rank bowlers and Steve was lucky enough to edge a few runs, Even Tom managed to score. Steve was last out and yes we did make treble figures but only just - 100 exactly.
Back to the New Inn for a few bevies and once again we were given a buffet which was much appreciated. The opposition were very sociable and the drinks were going down a treat. Eventually we strolled back to the Ye Olde Stone Trough Inn to complete the weekends carousing. Steve bought two jugs, one of bitter and one of lager, out of the funds generously donated to him by Bartho. How we all cheered!
Going Home
Defeated, demoralised, hung over, depressed but thankfully not passed on by Steve we had our final breakfast at the hotel before making our weary way back home. Everyone (except the girls) enjoyed a spot of ornathology at breakfast - why wasn't the bird around the bar the night before? I blame Tom. The bird must have seen him wandering around in his sexist pyjamas looking for Andy and thought "flip me, i'm not going into the bar if that bunch of ugly so-and-so's are in there"
Me and Steve deserted Andy in a favour of a lift with Bartho and guaranteed genius music (though to be fair Andy played some pretty good stuff). Bartho was in a hurry to see the final of the snooker (YAWN) so we made pretty good time. He kindly agreed to divert off the M25 and drop me off at Loughton which is in the midst of Epping Forest. That left Bartho, Marilyn and Steve in the middle of Essex trying to find their way back to the M25. Guess what happened next.............
* Seppuku - a ritual form of hara-kiri (suicide) by disembowelment. An extremely painful way of committing suicide. [Ed - The rest of this description has been omitted, google it if you want to know more, but i wouldn't recommend it]
** It should of course be remembered that for this match we were without the services of "the fastest white man in the world".
*** Mike Taylor - as if you didn't know.
The tour made the press (ok CSBF and DoT News, but press nevertheless, click on the articles to see them in full size so you can read them.
/images/1996tour-article2.jpg /images/1996tour-article1.jpg
comments powered by Disqus
Related Links
1996 Lancashire Tour Gallery
1996 Stats
Career Stats at end 1996
1996 Captain Report
1996 Player Reports
15 Reasons Why Neil Benn left Superstars
1996 History
Old Stone Trough
Waddington CC
Foulridge CC
1996 World Snooker Final
Other Tours
2013 Hampshire Tour
2012 Dampshire Tour
2011 Bedfordshire Tour
2009 Cotswolds Tour
2008 Hertfordshire Tour
2007 Cotswolds Tour
2006 Somerset Tour
2005 Somerset 'Hovel' Tour
2004 Yorkshire Tour
2003 Newcastle 'Corporate Games' Tour
2003 Hertfordshire Tour
2002 Kent Coast Tour
2001 Yorkshire Tour
2000 Wales Tour
1999 Worcestershire Tour
1998 North Devon Tour
1997 Yorkshire Tour
1996 Lancashire Tour